Agony Central

Deals2Buy is a good deals website

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:05:00 +0000

It has some really good deals sometimes! It also has some great giveaways!

http://www.deals2buy.com

Blog Updated!

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:45:00 +0000

If you are reading this message, then this news is redundant. Just like most of the Indian media.

Please.. keep more guns at home.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:34:00 +0000

In St. Louis recently, an 8-year old boy shot his father 4 times, and another man (who was staying as a paying guest) 6 times. He lies to interrogators for an hour making up stories like a little boy would, not realizing that they had techniques to nail his fingerprints on the gun or residue on his clothes.

His excuse? His dad beat him. A lot. Possibly every day, possibly multiple times a day. I'm not saying it was the fathers fault, but hey, you keep guns at home, teach your son to use them, and then beat the shit out of him everyday -- one day he's going to blow your brains out.

This kid is doomed to a life in juvenile detention for the next several years where he will no doubt improve his social standing and get into good habits like trimming his nails every week or combing his hair every morning. He will also be buggered.

Spankings are not an excuse to shoot someone, least of all two people. I don't endorse any form of sympathy for the kid or his dad. The dad screwed up by teaching his kid to shoot (and may be beating him more than he should,) and the kid screwed up.... well, by shooting two people for fuck's sake!

In other news, another man has been arrested for raping his two daughters for 30 (!!!!!) years. He's fathered about 9 kids with them, got them pregnant far more often than that, did not let them out of the house and generally abused them. Where was the vaunted social security and child support that these kids were supposed to get? 30 years man! Think about it, most of you who will read this are not even 25 yet!!

Not a good time for the world.

PS - Mumbai -- you deserve so much better than what happened Nov. 26th. Maybe one day, when I get the time (and the patience) I will put up an anti-religion page. Till then, take care.

I'm Employed.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:33:00 +0000

Yup.

Southisms

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:31:00 +0000

After much debating with my friends, I have come to the conclusion that in the South of India (and I'm mainly referring to Tamilnadu) there is a completely different way of speaking English than anywhere else. I'm not referring to the occassional slipping in of English into everyday language. I'm talking serious change of meaning and pronounciation.

Pamilee/Famlee: You've all heard this at some point (if you've been in the South.) Any person comes visiting with his family to some office and the hosts lackey usually informs the boss that the man has come with "Pamilee/Famlee". It doesn't matter if he has come with just his wife or just his kid or his entire extended family, even one accompanying person is referred to as Pamilee/Famlee. Thanks to someone I don't want to explicitly give credit to for this gem.
Oife: In some parts of America and several parts of England, this word is pronounced Wife. The meaning is the same.
Ladees/Ladeej: Women in any group or gathering of any sort. Even if there's only one it's still Ladees/Ladeej.
Words beginning with P: Just hearing a RJ on the radio talk about the flanets and about Fluto is an exercise in laughter by itself. Also manifests in above-mentioned Pamilee.
Onway: Germany has the autobahn, America has the freeway, Britain has the highway, we have the onway. A road (not really) where legally traffic flows in one direction only, but actually flows in up to four different directions.
Andred: What comes after 99.
Gowlf: A sport played by using a crooked stick to know a ball in to a hole on a large green field. Alternate Spelling: Golf.
Prolem: A dilemma without the di. Sometimes spelled Problem in some cultures.
Dafanit: Definite as Daffy Duck would say it, I suppose.
Mrs: Refers to a wife. As in, "Mrs. is not there?." Not to be confused with the grammatically correct Missus as in, "Is the missus in?"

BTW, on a side note, have you noticed that whenever someone has a South Indian Lackey, the lackey is always bent at a painful angle (like they have piles), the arms are crossed and the shoulders are hunched together. Why this overly painful gesture?????? Aren't you doing enough cleaning the boss's kid's poop, washing the Pamilee dog and driving the Ladees around? Sometimes they go further and cover their mouth with the upper portion of the fingers of their right hand in a semi-curved position.

Just painful.

Modern Pandavas

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 07:16:00 +0000

You-did-steal -> There has to be balance in life. The youngest of all the Pandavas was an epitome of dishonesty. He lied, cheated and stole his way through the war.

Beam -> The weakest of all the Pandavas; when he was a young lad, he fell on a stone and the stone broke his back.

Ad-jun -> He was the primary source of revenue for the Pandavas. He was the poster boy for the war, and even had a famous 20 minutes commercial where he was lectured to by the famous blue guy.

Not-kool -> Easily the least classy of all the Pandavas, Not-kool wore sunglasses that were way too big for him. His glasses were so big, they blinded Rat-a-tat-astra, the king, when he was watching the battle remotely via Sanjaya Channel

Such-waste -> He is barely mentioned in the concise versions of the epic. He is the unidentical twin of Not-kool. Only available in the extended collection. Like an extra toy in the G.I Joe collection that nobody wants and only possess because he came free with Maggi Noodles.

Rantt

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 10:36:00 +0000

Advanced technology home products. I'm tired of hearing about everyday, ordinary products being marketed with some sort of space-flight-capable microprocessors in them. Detergent with "advanced-heat-seeking-dust-smiting-microgranules", shampoos with "advanced-hair-shine-boosting-technology", scissors with "advanced-foreknowledge-about-foreskin-systems", razor blades with "automatic-blade-growing-technology" (because that seems to be the only way they can "advance" razor blade technology: add more blades), the list is endless. When did ordinary prodcuts get so complicated? Why can't anyone just buy shampoo anywhere without requiring a socket to plug the bottle into? You know what's next right? Harpic with "advanced-turd-source-cleaning-shakti-along-with-dishwasher-liquid-dispensing-nozzle-technology." Wait till Aman Verma gets to your house to demonstrate THAT.
Well-known, famous, instantly recognizable actors posing as doctors/dentists. Who are they trying to fool here? What is the point of showing an _actor_, who is instantly recognizable as not being a doctor, in a white lab coat. I don't care when they have some fake doctor on screen telling me I should brush my teeth with Gopal Pal Podi (Tooth Powder), I'm likely to care less if I recognize the actor in the advertisements.
People who say "can't able to" are going to have to watch their backs from now on. I've trained with a hatchet over the summer and have sharpened my skills to the point (puns intended) where I can close my eyes and lop your ears off. Freaks.
Razor blade advertisements where the male model is already clean shaven before he even picks up the product. Look, we're not all that stupid. Some of us actually possess a brain and can able to use it. Therefore, we request you to kindly cease and desist lest you desire getting a large, cumbersome object shoved not-so-gently in to your lengthy intestinal tubing.
People who don't know how to operate lifts. If you want to go up, press UP dammit! Don't press the direction YOU want the lift to move so it can reach the floor on which your lazy ass has parked itself. And people who get in to a lift and try to direct it in the direction opposite to the one it's already going on are going to be launched headfirst into the shaft.
People who hit my car. Even if it's my fault, it's actually your fault since you didn't avoid me. That's what half of driving in India constitutes: compensation for the next guys mistake. You didn't compensate enough, you didn't anticipate. Your fault.

Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:34:00 +0000

Here we go:

Inserting "proverbial" in to sentences that otherwise would be meaningless and out-of-context (supposedly). Look, we all get the idea of a proverb. You don't need to educate us simple, cow-worshipping, human-sacrificing folk. Is it "tip of the proverbial iceberg" or "the proverbial tip of the iceberg" ? Does it matter? Do we care? Can we not understand the use of a metaphor as simple as searching for a needle in the haystack without the extra, added, complimentary, bonus (yes, I took that from Carlin, sue me.) tag declaring the haystack to be "proverbial". Why don't you take a proverbial kick to the nuts?
Cliches from children's books. Every author of a book for children writes with an undercurrent of guilt that each story he/she writes must have a "moral" or an "upstanding", honest person as its protagonist. Why? That's not how real life is. Not only is this angelic character completely unbelievable, it's completely illogical. Hunters who hunt and trap animals are described as kind-hearted when they decide to release the animal they've caught. Woodcutters are caring individuals who just happen to save a wounded bird: one they wounded by destroying their home in the first place. There's also always this sort of fatherly uncle figure that everyone just refers to as Uncle blah blah. We don't need some random uncle giving us moral lessons. Grow up, lose the match, get your report card, go home and face the music. That's what kids need to learn today.
People who say "anyways." STOP THAT. The word doesn't exist.
"By-the-by." I don't care if this exists or not. It should be outlawed if it does.
Karan Johar. Okay, this one was out of spite. I can't stand his overly gay attitude, hair style, his non-gender-specific face and his polished 'dahling' English. He dances too by the by. God.

To be continued... sometime.

Socio-Econo-Politico-Sporto-relevant post

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:47:00 +0000

Current mood: Shocked!

Sorry, that was a parody (a lame one I know) of Wordpress. Two of my friends just moved there, so............. I had to.

However, I am genuinely shocked at a very recent event that happened that concerns all of us. Namely, the posting of four (4, quatro, vier, numero charo) comments on my previous post regarding Abinav Bhindra.

What is wrong with us? As the future generation of this country, we are expected to have an apathetic attitude towards sports, socially relevant issues and politics (not necessarily in that order.) I consider myself to be a patriotic Indian of the first Order. I make it a point to not care when something important happens, I don't follow the news, I don't cheer for India (unless it's for cricket of course) and I definitely don't follow _politics_. Sheesh! What is this country coming to?

And now I hear that people actually want to COME BACK to India, after education abroad! Hello!!! What the hell happened to those good ol' days when we would emigrate en masse to different countries, drive taxis and cabs there that we could have driven here, participate in community welfare programs there that we could have done here, express a concern for the environment that we could express here.

I am appalled at the lack of apathy being shown by todays youth. Stop caring. Really, it's not expected of you. What's next? A political party formed by students from IIT?! Hahahahah! That was a good one!! Oh.... wait.

Wait, I have another one; let me try again. What's next? Are we going to start winning medals in anything other than cricket (have we, incidentally???!) and "shootings" (which was obviously a fluke!!!) ?????/ Oh...... wait.

Damn, I'm running out of things to say; Ok, one last attempt. What's next? Are we going to defy the world and sign a nuclear deal with the United States, while secretly being able to develop bombs that will wipe out "insurgents, rebels, terrorism-by-proxy and plain ol' crazies) ? Oh..... wait.

Shit.

PS - The views expressed above are not my own. They are of Hindustani Pathloon; a guy who guest writes for my blog. I have nothing to do with him.

Beware the "Silent Killer"

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:21:00 +0000

So Bindra won the gold. Good for us.

Does it not bother anyone that his father, refers to him as a silent killer?! Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that his father watched him place water balloons on a poor maids head (another sign of the oppression of lower castes) and shot at them repeatedly knowing "little" (and that is supposed to excuse this,) that, and I quote, "a slight mistake could have proved fatal."

This just scares the shit out of me. If I knew there was a five year old with deadly aim and a wanton disregard for safety, (not to mention his maid) who lived next door, I'd be calling the police dammit! I'd be calling them even faster if I knew his Pops was proud of him!!!!!

Good show Bindra!

It's Bad For Ya

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 02:15:00 +0000

R.I.P George Carlin. You will be missed.

Ok, onto my newest post (in a while, I know.) Well, I've been quite busy for the last six months. People who don't know me very well probably think I'm lying. People who do know me very well and with whom I've been in regular touch with know that I'm lying. Anyway, for the intents and purposes of this blog, I've been busy.

In the meantime, a lot of interesting things happened to me. Too bad you won't ever come to know what they are. Here is a short list of things you don't know.

It's a federal offense to attack a customs official on American soil or any type of ground for that matter.
It's a similarly illegal crime to bash your friendly, neighbourhood postman's head in with a sledgehammer.

Here is a short list of things I have done in the last six months.

Been to NYC? Check.
Seen shitty movies? Check.
Seen good movies? Check.
As George Carlin would NOT say: beleaguered by a "negative cash flow position?" Double Check.

Here is a short list of things YOU did in the last six months.

Waited for me to update.
More waiting.
It's a boring life. Admit it.

But I'll be a bit more regular now that the summer has started and my lazy ass won't need to be anywhere but in front of a computer. Till then, wait some more.

Oh and by the way, check out GMail Labs "Muzzle." It's a god send. Someone at Google actually listened to me! Balls to you and your dumbass status messages!

Counselling on the internet

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 05:59:00 +0000

Of late, I have been getting a lot of good psychiatric help from websites. Whether it's an astute observation about my life like so:

Or advice on how to get married, with correct emphasis on exactly when:

Or just plain ol' "facts" and phrases I didn't know existed:

Where's NetNanny when you need her?

Busy? Unavailable? I don't care!

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 20:15:00 +0000

There is a new phenomenon in town. A new plague if you will. There is no doubt that with the evolution of the internet, our lives are slowly changing to become more and more connected to the internet, and thereby the rest of the world.
But why, oh WHY, do I have to be informed of every little insignificant "status" change in your inconsequential life. Do you people even think before you edit that little line of text near that Google dot, or that field that, funnily enough, is called Name in Orkut? Do you ever stop to wonder whether other people are really bothered by the change in your life? The simple answer is: NO. The long and detailed answer is: NO.
I don't care that you had an appendectomy and can't make it to your precious Gtalk to turn it off. I don't care that you suddenly had an epiphany on life and you can compress eighty to hundred years of existence into one meaningless, sham of a philosophical line. I don't care whether you have exams, whether you're in the process of getting a phallus-shaped object rammed up where the "sun don't shine," I don't care that you are getting a tattoo and that it is of course, of some cricket players name, or if you are pregnant and your unborn child can't respond for a few months. STOP IT!
Orkut has become almost unsearchable because of morons who decide to change their status messgaes to silly little phrases like "Having fun, LOL," or "ESCRITO QUE ES IMBECILE." The madness must stop!
Quit flooding my Gtalk window with your insane messages. If you're busy, just say so dammit! If you don't want to be disturbed, don't log in. If you need to check your mail, then disable GTalk and disable GChat from your browser. I don't need to know that you are too busy to be disturbed. It's not like I have a million things to say to you anyway.
Shouldn't this count as invasion of privacy. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of trivial nonsense that I have to read just because some doofus IMed me and flashed his status message in my face. There's this whole class of alien refuse that even IM people asking them if they read their new status message. There are only two possible answers, neither of which they can accept:
1. YES, I read it and I think you should be in jail for expecting people to react to your passive message.
2. NO, I did not, and do not intend to in the future, unless I am forced to at gunpoint.

I hope you folks get the message (pun intended). If you don't, well, then
STATUS : Couldn't care less

A Long Time

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 17:56:00 +0000

Check both of these out: they're hilarious. I've started using StumbleUpon to get me a few minutes of entertainment during the few breaks from work I take.

and then this.

Also, you might want to check out Ali G on youtube.

Writer's Block

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 14:51:00 +0000

Ok. So i don't know what to write about.
Bear with me for a few moments and I will eventually come up with something enlightening for you to ponder the rest of your adult life considering that's how long it will take you to figure out what I have said in the few sentences that I decide to spew in a despearate yet clear-cut means of washing away the boredom that is eating away at my well known and well respected sense of humour; the very faculty that I put to maximum use when I want to while away a few hours of my life and several days of yours, given that we agreed at the beginning of this sentence that you would take more time than the average chipmunk to understand the verbal barrage that I am about to dispense in your general direction as part of my above mentioned desire to kill some time and some gray cells in that pathetic excuse for a brain that you carry around in your vaccuumed cranial cavity in a mind numbingly stupid excercise to appear moderately intelligent and/or sentient just to appease the increasing number of pseudo-intellectuals in todays society.
I could have gone on and on but I thought better of it. As I am typing this entry out of sheer boredom, it is with the deepest disdain that I see George Bush on TV making some speech about Vietnam and the war and basically kissing up to the war-vets populace of America. The worst part of it is that other people in this lounge are discussing this like it's the latest fashion innerwear sported by Gisele.
I am already spotting the typical signs of a person "getting involved" in a discussion. THe characteristic sitting on the edge of their seat, with their chins supported by their elbows staring at their co-discusser like they give a fragrant rats ass about what they're saying. This is what I call 'sounding the well. Sounding the well is the technique by which two or more idiots are involved in simultaneously trying to determine the stupidity of another person just by pretending to listen to them. People are so petty.
If I seem to be particularly cynical today, well, I have a reason. And I'll be damned if I sit and explain everything out to you. Suffice to say that I have been wronged yet again, by that supreme entity people refer to as God. Just on a sidetrack, the weather woman on CNN is really beginning to irritate me. Not only is she prancing about the screen as these fuzzy 'satellite' images flash behind her. In a tribute to her obvious mediocrity, her name is Oke. All she has done so far, is make faces and squeeze her fists together while telling us the the Hurricane Dean is decimating Mexico.
This reminds me of something that I read during the landmark Sanjay Dutt case a few weeks ago. The judge in the case had classified ALL the accused in the case into three distinct categories. The first being peripheral, the second being minor and the third being serious offences. Having thus clearly demarcated three groups, ostensibly to classify the accused more easily, he then proceeded to state that Sanjay Dutt fell somewhere between a peripheral and a minor offender. Now, this is when I decideded to take a bludgeon to his brain. People are idiots. It's as if nothing they say makes sense for more than 5 minutes after the words have escaped the intense gravitational pull of the black hole that is their face.
To further drive home this point, I am going to take the example of Michael Vick. he's just admitted to staging dogfights in his neighbourhood. He's ADMITTED that he's guilty. Yet CNN has an hour long programme involving Legal Analysts and a Radio Host(?!). For What?! The man has already admitted his guilt. Leave him be and get on with it. Don't you have some more deformed kids and mutilated people to show, since that is what qualifies as 'hard-hitting' news?
I can't take this anymore. I quit.

Cleavage? No Thanks.

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 08:37:00 +0000

I'm probably the only guy in the world who looked at a womans cleavage and decided that he was better off sticking his head underwater for several perilous moments, while a surgeon performs a routine rectal examination, than look. The cleavage in question belonged to Khusboo. (I am going to take liberties with spelling her name.)

The whole incident took place when I was watching a show called Jackpot, a "quiz" show that Khusbu "anchors" where the "answers" are "results" from a "buplic survey". Each time you encounter the double quotes, take a breath, slow down and enunciate the word enclosed; then proceed. Anyway, Khoosboo was wearing a sari the color of which I don't remember and don't intend to since the very recollection of that image might burn a permanent hole in my brain. As Khoosbu turned to face the "board", there was a blinding flash of light, an Aurora Borealis if you will, that blinded me. Yes, the cleavage I saw was from her back!

This is something that occurs only "down south" - boy I hate that term. It always seems that the actresses who start off model slim and sexy, suddenly gain weight as they gain popularity. It's as if they EAT their fans. Look at the list of people here - Rambha, Mumtaz, Ramya Krishnan, Khusboo, Nayantara, Jyotika, the list is endless. Some of these "actresses" have started to wise up and tone down, but most of them are happy to be round. I purposely left out Namitha from this list becuase she does not come under "fat". Oh no, she is waaaay too big to be called just "fat". Namitha is like the Parliament to the Qutab Minar, she's like the rose to a reed, a brick to a stick, and so many more such irrelevant comparisons. What I'm struggling to say, I think, is that her vastness is so vast (for lack of a better word), that it encompasses all that is green and blue and red and magenta and fluorescent and cream and purple and orange and oh so many more colors. It's incredible watching her move her ponderous excuse for a body from one jilted pose to another in that pathetic motion she calls dance.

Look at the actresses in Bollywood. Most of them are smokin' hot! And they take pains to stay that way. They make sure that even if they are a little plump, atleast they maintain a shape that can be likened to a desirable female form.

This post is completely worthless in the face of current hotties like Shriya and the now-oh-so-slim Nayantara. I sincerely thank Messrs Rajnikanth and Shankar for bringing such joy into our lives. Joy mixed with the purity of love and uninhibited lust. Peace.

Yahoo Boo Hoo

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 21:33:00 +0000

Yahoo! has got to go. I mean it. It must leave this dimension and pursue economic glory in a parallel universe. One where Google does not exist. This is my advice to Yahoo's 'executives'.

Why you ask?

Reason 1:
Yahoo Mail Beta sucks. It uses more bandwidth than ever and provides a Microsoft Outlook Express look and feel that frankly reminds me of my Windows 3.11 days. It has its own share of login issues, mail selection problems and more.

Reason 2:
Yahoo Photos is closing down. Gee whiz! That's a new one! Yahoo decides to close shop on one of their premier features. This is what they have to say about it.

Yahoo-

For some time now we’ve supported two great photo sharing services, Yahoo! Photos and Flickr. But even good things come to an end, and we’ve decided to focus all our efforts on Flickr – the award winning photo sharing site that Time Magazine has even called “completely addictive.”

The Bullshit Translator-

We're losing to Google's Picasa!!! Boo Hoo!! We don't know what to do!! So we're hoping systematically shutting down our services and leaving you in the lurch is the best alternative to spending time and money improving our services.

Yahoo-

You may have used Yahoo! Photos in a few of other Yahoo! products, including favorites like Yahoo! Mail, Yahoo! Messenger, 360°, Mobile Web, etc. Unfortunately Yahoo! Photos features in these services will be phased out of these products in the coming months.

The Bullshit Translator-

If we go down, we're taking everybody with us.

Reason 3:
Yahoo 360 can suck ostrich eggs. I have never used it and I never will. I don't need to see my e-mail and weather report together.

Reason 4:
Yahoo's spam filter is so efficient that it expertly directs all spam to my Inbox. I regularly receive e-mails about prostate gland enlargement, breast augmentation and wait-for-it car rentals! The only thing I have done in Yahoo for the last 6 months is enter, select all my e-mail and mark as spam.

Reason 5:
They're still focusing on Upgrading their services when all they need to do is Improve them. Those who don't understand the difference can take a hike unless they're female and pretty in which case, I will be more than happy to give you a free ride home.

Reason 6:
I hate their anti-phishing filter. That stupid picture there that does not let me save my yahoo user name and password on my computer so it can be easily filled in. Stupid, stupid thing. In fact, it's so stupid, it's probably stuphid.

Reason 7:
Google kicks ass! All over the place. Whether its Gmail, Picasa or Orkut. All google services totally kick Yahoo's butt on Yahoo Mail Beta (LAME), Flickr (WHAT?!) or Gazzag (Jeezus!).

The only place Yahoo rocks is with their messenger. Y! Messenger kicks booty. They might as well shut down all Yahoo services and create a chat room only website.

Priceless

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 21:29:00 +0000

1 gong ringer - 100 rupees
2 pooja bell ringers - 200 rupees
6 bell ringers - 600 rupees
70 devotees - 7000 rupees.

Finding out the godman in front of you works as a tailor on Mondays and Fridays - Priceless

Lee-thal. Dead-ly

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Wed, 30 May 2007 08:18:00 +0000

How's this for a movie story.

1. Quiet boy.
2. Noisy girl.
3. Cliched Politician villain.
4. Subdued boy actually has deep feelings of love for number 2 and vengeance for number 3.
5. Girl falls in love with boy.
6. Boy shoots at politician. Fails to penetrate bulletproof glass. Does a super rotating kick.
7. Intermission.
8. Flashback mode
9. Boy part of soccer team that is denied entry to district level games.
10. Boy and team strung up along a goal post like stuck pigs.
11. Coach valiantly defends them against a soccer ball kicked by the chuckling villian penalty style.
12. Coach dies.
13. Boy cries.
14. Boy kidnaps ministers son, loses him and gets his best friend killed.
15. Turns out Boy had tape of minister spewing anti-social comments all along.
16. Releases to press. Everyone happy except villain.

This is the story of Lee Engira Leelatharan. How do I explain how much I regretted watching this? It was like getting a screw turned into your brain, slowly. Every scene the screw went tighter,until at the end all that was left was one big chunk of your brain on the floor.

Lee:
() () () () () - I would give it a few more asses, but then 5's the limit. Hopeless.

Simplifly? No no, SimpliDIE

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Wed, 30 May 2007 08:05:00 +0000

I flew Air Deccan again this time. It seems like they haven't read my blog from last time's trip. Maybe I should mail Captain Gopinath and tell him his airway sucks big time. I meant the airline, not his nasal pathways.
I got my bag x-rayed before checking in and it was clear. I checked in, and I asked for a seat in the front of the plane. "Free seating" was the reply I got. I started shaking in my boots. My brain had already translated the airport euphemism Free Seating into its real world equivalent of "Every man for himself" That meant a mad rush for seats when boarding began! Seriously, how much does it cost to make a seating plan? How lazy are these bums?!
Not as lazy as the man in charge of the X-Ray machine apparently. When I went for security check-in I was stopped because I had a set of screwdrivers in my bag. I couldn't take that on as hand baggage. Then why wasn't I stopped at the damn entrance?! I would have checked the bag in damn you!
It gets worse. The rush for seats was like the rush at Pothy's during a 50 percent sale. Or Saravana Stores during a 10 percent sale. After struggling to get into the plane, I was able to find a seat that i found "mildly" comfortable. There wasn't a push back! When I asked the flight attendant why there was no push back, she said "because there is no push back". Almost immediately, a warm glow of enlightenment dawned upon me, so bright that the passengers around me had to shield their eyes with their air-sickness bags.

It did not help much, that the pilot was American or something and had an accent only a mutated frog could understand. He was making small talk about possible turbulence and I was making small talk about his corpulence. We might have become good friends someday. Who knows?

The following is the entire conversation between the passenger next to me, and the air hostess when they came to serve "food". I use the term food very loosely here since most of the stuff they served seemed suspicious.

Man: "What do you serve?"
Flight Attendant: "Sir, Juice and Sandwich"
Man: "Do you have orange juice?"
FA: "Yes sir"

(She hands him a Guava Juice at this point)

FA: "Here you go Sir"
Man: "There is no orange juice"
FA: "Yes sir, guava juice"
Man: "...."
Me: "There doesn't seem to be any orange juice."
Man: "Orange juice"
FA: "Yes sir, orange juice"

(She hands him an Orange Juice finally)

FA: "Here's your guava sir."
Man: "...."

I rest my case.

Tired Old Cliches!

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Wed, 30 May 2007 07:20:00 +0000

I'm back! With more evil venom to spew! This time I'm going to focus on all these silly old cliches that the newspapers seem to propogate. Not surprising, most of them seem to come from Bollywood, always a ready source of venom for me.

1. Chocolate boy looks.
What the hell does this mean? Girls are supposed to like chocolate? So the guy looks good? Or is it that his face is brown and mud-coloured and so he has supposedly chocolate origins? Or is it that his breath smells of cocoa?
Examples - Sonu Nigam - Jesus christ, with that tunnel network of a nose, people regard him as having Chocolate boy looks. Yech!

2. Girl-Next-Door.
Ok, this is pure bull right off the bat. No one who has lived next to me has ever looked like that. Second, the supposedly traditional look that they try to pull off is usually displaced in the next C-Grade flick they act in. The look is very temporary. I wish my girl-next-door looked like that.

3. Emotional Musical Romantic
This is actually a genre of movie! Devdas is classified under this category. Oh Lord! What will they think of next? Here are some more ideas - Cranially Damaging, Mental Trauma and Sob Fest.

4. Crying Heroes
This has GOT to stop! I'm getting sicker every minute I see some macho hero bend his biceps in one scene and then flex his tear muscles in the next. Oh I get it, they're trying to portray that men have an 'emotional/sensitive' side to them too? BULLSHIT. They don't. Men are much simpler than that. Men are BUTCH! Time to learn that.

5. The Comic - this is a tamil special
Every Tamil flick now has a designated comedian. This is as tired a cliche as you can get. The comedian of course, has all his kaamedi situations, complete with badly pronounced English words, getting beaten silly and of course getting yelled at. Then at the end of the movie, the supposedly carefree comic turns out to have a deeper side to him and he starts spewing philosophy faster than my tears at this point. Suddenly, HE'S the one doling out advice to the hero, explaining the vagaries of nature and the miseries of life with simple, yet deep metaphors. Please.

6. The Dying Scene.
Too long. Always. Cut short.

7. Songs
Too many. Unnecessary and usually not worth your time. Whether its Himiessshhh Ressaammiyaauiqz - no, that is not a typo, that's how he spells it now, or Kay Kay, all songs are stereotyped and rate a big 0 on my wanted list. The worst part is that we refuse to give up our ways of the song and dance, fickle heroines dashing around in splendid revelry/teensy tops all in the same scene. I say we need this like we need a Turbanator for PM, oh wait...

8. Spelling Bees
We'd all lose at this one wouldn't we? How many of you actually have just enough letters in your name to ensure people don't confuse your name with gurgling of a flowing river? Not many, turns out. I hate this addition of extra letters and removal of vowels. My new naming system is gonna be naming people SMS-style - namely (pun not intended) by dropping all the vowels. So Vijaykanth becomes Vjyknth, Dhanush becomes Dhnsh. This is the new revolution - i mean rvltion. This rant is more directed at Himesh Reshammiya's ACTING debut! Yes people, after gracing us with his voice, he's back to torment us further with his stubble and cap in place in the name of acting. The name of his movie? - AAP KA SURROOR, THE MOVIEE, THE REAL LUV STORY. I'm not kidding. Check it out.

At this point, I can't go on any further. My eyebrows have knotted together to form a Unibrow like a sailor's knot, my eyes are bloodshot and I am fuming. I need to cool off. I'm going to watch TV - Kabhie Khushie Kabhi Gham.. jeez.

Central Intelligence Agency

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 13:57:00 +0000

This is what I will refer to our government from now on. I hope my sarcasm is evident. If not, then you're probably a government servant. Off topic, did you ever notice how private companies hire customer care "executives" while government employees are "servants"? Anyway, the latest issue that has me wondering why we even give power to make laws to those who cannot travel without perfumed dhoties (in case of south Indians) or dull safari suits (in case of north Indians) - Ban on smoking scenes in movies. Great job! Well done! First you banned advertising alcoholic drinks, then cigarettes and then eliminated cola from the minds of impressionable youth. Kudos!

Sheesh! Why can't these people think before they make a law? I really don't understand it! Here's why I think they out to be mutilated gradually before being buried in stinking dhoties (southies) and Hawaiian costumes (northies)

Banning ads for alcohol
OK. This is really stupid. So now, instead of seeing an advertisement about alcohol and getting advised by my parents to not drink, I have to watch an ad about Bacardi's music? Or about Johnny Walker mineral water. I can imagine the conversation at home right now: "Son, you see this company that is advertising mineral water? They actually manufacture booze. So don't drink!". Or maybe this: "Hey, that music producing company actually sells rum! Don't touch that stuff!"
Maybe I'm stupid and dense and don't realize that they are actually legitimately selling music and mineral water. So I walk into a music store and buy the shitty music and like it. What happens when I eventually realize that they make booze as well?! "Gosh! Their music rocks! Wonder what their booze tastes like?!" Bah! It makes no sense. Everyone under the sun knows they're keeping the name of the company right under the noses of people so they always remember to drink! The same applies to cigarettes too!

Lets analyse the latest smart move. Banning smoke scenes from movies. I had the misfortune of watching Don recently. The new one. There's this scene in which SRK smokes. But its been banned right? So what do the producers do? (Gotta hand it to them for this). The first scene shows SRK from behind with the cigarette in his mouth. Next scene is him with the cigarette away from his lips but taking a drag rather stylishly. Next is him exhaling the smoke. So basically, all the actions actually performed while a person smokes. Without showing the actual drag! I'm sure that helped jackass! No one realized that he was smoking right? You safeguarded the impressionable youth from seeing a dangerous scene that could have sent the current moronic "GEN Y" (What IS that anyway?) on a smoking spree.

Please. There are more effective ways to control smoking among youth. How, you ask? That ain't my job. I only criticize what others do. I don't mean to say that I can do a better job. Just that I can criticize! Maybe we can 'ban' politicians in general. Elect me prime minister, I sure as hell can do a better job than the Turbanator we have there now. But that's another story for another day.

Chennai Open? Or Chennai Dead?

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 15:18:00 +0000

So I went to see the Chennai Open yesterday. Didn't really focus on the tennis 'action'. No, it was the cheerleaders which really interested me. They were all wearing this bright orange costume, like they'd just been hired by Big Bazaar or something, carrying purple pom-poms that make me want to puke-puke. No fault of the girls you say? Bah, the dance was utterly lifeless. They did the same routine after every two games! Seeing as I was too cheap to buy good tickets, I could only hear the words "CHENNAI" at the end of each routine. There were six girls for a seven lettered city name. So one girl had to repeat a letter. It was piss boring, I tell you.

Coupled with the hot tennis action I mean. The first one was fine - a doubles match with Nadal in it. Ok, not great, but a good beginning. Then came the nightmare. Prakash Amritraj, and some doofus called Ivo. Come on! Prakash looked like he'd been potty-trained on the courts. His play 'style' is textbook, like he'd been shown every step of the way how to play. Like the spoiled brat he seems to be. Ivo, a Croatian loser, sucked just as much, but he had a sonic boom for a serve. Destroyed Amritraj like he was a twig in a poop hail storm.

We need better cheerleaders. The tennis will improve automatically.

Casino Royale

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 15:45:00 +0000

Its been a while since I reviewed a movie. For those who have been waiting for me to do so, wait no more. For those who haven't, it's your turn to wait. It seems to me that I start every post by analysing a diverse group of people each of whom correspond to a segment of the populace that cares to drop into my site. Hmmm.. But I digress; on with it!

First off, the movie is unlike any 007 flick you've ever seen. James here is more intense and more interested in his final prize than any other Bond you've ever seen. In fact, he seems to bed a grand total of just 2 women in this - a shame by Bond standards. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, the movie seems to hold your interest in spite of the fact that there are less naked women and less gun fighting than the average action flick.
The new Bond girl is not great looking, in fact none of the women in CR look that good, but its the new Bond with his cold, blue eyes and witty sarcastic comments that make you want to watch the movie. Even though I wouldn't know a straight Ace from a triple Queens, the poker game is a bit interesting, although they could have explained it a bit more.
List of Ugly People in the Movie:

1. Bond girl Eva Green looks downright miserable from certain angles. But then, she looks worse from others.
2. Villian is super ugly. They oiled his hair with what was left over from Iraq's oil wells.
3. All Extras.

OK, thats it. I can't nitpick over this movie anymore.

Casino Royale:
() - 1 Ass for Eva Green.

Here are the reviews for the movies I have seen but I'm too scared to review for fear it'll cause me to blow a hole in my veins thus pumping out litres of blood that could otherwise be used to save millions of children in Somalia, not that I would ever give them my blood without being assured that it's going to the children and not to some blood thirsty (literally) bureaucrat who'll just keep the blood and pass on the empty container to children who will then proceed to curse me for not donating them enough blood, all the while I'm languishing in a hospital because I gave too much blood without caring for the consequences. There!

Vivaah:
()()()()() - Royal Ass fest. Sucks way too much to be called a movie.

Rendu:
()()()()() - Terrible. Anti -hero is blind avenger. Madhavan with contact lenses. Rubbish.

Jillinu Oru Kaadhal:
()()() - Not as bad as it could have been, but then I don't see too many Tamil flicks.

Vettaiyady Villaiyadu:
()()()()() - HOPELESS. An overweight Kamal Hassan combats unreasonably foul - mouthed psychotic college students while falling in love with a Jyotika in a blink and miss role.

Thats all for now. Lets hope I get to see more crappy movies so I can come here and complain about them. Gee! What a life!

I'm applying.. to go crazy

noreply@blogger.com (Kaos) — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 08:39:00 +0000

Oh. My. God. The amount of work that needs to be done to apply abroad is simply overwhelming. If you haven't realized by now that I am an incredibly lazy person with nothing better to do than rant about how I have too much to do, you're an idiot.

Seriously though, each university has a separate application form. They require you to fill in as much information as possible in as little space as possible. Why? Because they receive over 3,000 applications every year. Why the hell do you even ask for so much information??????? It defies all logic. You want to simplfy the process of processing applications, so you ask if I'm ethnic Asian or a Pacific Islander. You ask me if I have 5 schools of graduation or 1. You ask me the dates on which I completed my Pre - KG to 12th (not kidding) and the certificates (??) I received at the end of each of those years. Why, pray tell.

I'm sick of filling out form after form after form. And just when you think you're done, they ask you for unreasonable things like your Statement of Purpose with a green header stating your name and department. Several universities share one common application website. Does that make things easier? Hell NO! It just means I have to write the same information, in the same format to different universities! The website has custom fields for each university, so in some places I'm asked - Have you ever been convicted of anything but a traffic violation?, and in others I'm asked - How will you contribute to the student community at ____. Its mind-boggling, the amount of information I've filled in and the number of times I had to click on NEXT.

Just when you think the internet is going to revolutionize the way we work, someone comes along and takes a dump on it. Fifty years from now, we are going to be filling out government forms online. In triplicate. At several different sites. If private universities can screw up the net this much, think what the government can do! AMEN.