Child-Proofing a light switch in India

No way he/she's getting through that, right? Right?!

Progress? The Wrights disagree...

I am, of course, talking about the airline industry. For those of you who are surprised to learn that I know of Wilbur and Orville Wrights (WOW) - well, I was surprised too. The last few months I have had several wonderful opportunities to experience the joy that is airline economy class.
By the way, this is my most well-researched article yet. All facts are straight from Google (notice how specific I am). I have provided suggestions on how to fix several glaring problems in the airline industry and have excellent scientific bases for most, if not all, of them.

1. Seat Belts:
It's been 107 years since WOW managed to get themselves off the ground for a sustainable flight (at least one that did not involve voluntary or in-voluntary homicide at the end). We have had 19 other great achievements then (http://www.greatachievements.org/) but we still choose to strap ourselves in with a little black strap that costs barely more than your average fortune cookie. What the hell is up with that?!

Suggestion:
Electro-magnetic fields that forcibly hold us in place during take-off and landing.

PROS

• Fries cellphones that are switched on nanoseconds after the flight lands.
• Kid next to you can't irritate you.
• Passenger next to you can't keep his or her elbow on your armrest. Take that bitch!

CONS:

• Slightly elevated chance of frying a pacemaker.
• Can cause prolonged magneto-retention effects on wheelchairs rendering them useless.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

2. Boarding passes:
Really? In the 21st century, we have electronic bills, electronic tickets, electronic personalities and to a certain extent electronic sex lives and yet we have to show them a piece of paper before they let us board the plane? Why? What is the point of this? I carry ID and have already cleared security. They can verify my name against their database to make sure I am catching the correct flight. What the hell is this piece of paper for? Not only is it using obsolete technology, it makes me have to clumsily carry it around, wonder if I am allowed to fold it, take care of it between connecting flights. WHY??

Suggestion:
Painfully inserted sub-cutaneous e-boarding chips placed under your left ring fingernail.

PROS:

• No more paper boarding passes.
• More trees = more places for people in India to paint with a white stripe (!)
• Some people have a low tolerance for pain and will prefer to not fly. These are the same people that crib about ear-aches on the flight and ask if they can go to the toilet before the airplane takes off.

CONS:

• Potential for loss of boarding pass if your arm is lopped off in a with the rapid transport cart.
• Some bleeding may occur if the insertion is not done right.
• Will always set off the metal detector. Body cavity searches become mandatory

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

3. Layovers/Stopovers
Do you know the destination and origin of WOW's flight? Here's a hint: they didn't have to change terminals.
Which genius woke up one morning and said: "Hey! I just had a great idea. You know how people always want to go from A to B? Well, I think we should take them from A to C and then from C to B. Let's make them wait hours at C too!! It's sheer genius!". The board of directors looked at him and SHOULD have said: "WHY?!, WHY MOFO WHY?!" But mysteriously, they said, BINGO!

Suggestion:
Make airplanes so long that you don't have to fly anywhere. Just get in at one door, and walk out the other.

PROS:

• No stopovers!
• No changing gates, looking for connecting flight information or worrying if your luggage made it.
• You get to carry ALL your luggage ALL the time!

CONS:

• Slight increase in ticket price.
• Could be hazardous to old people.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

4. One-Door Policy
One of the first things they tell you during the safety lecture is: "This plane is equipped with 4 doors, two in front, two in back and four on either wings. This plane is also equipped with mathematically-challenged stewards". Why then, in the name of the Incas, do we all have to stand in line to get out of the plane?! What, do the other doors not open in the case of a non-emergency? Did they really think, while designing the plane, that there should be doors that can not be opened in the absence of an emergency?! If so, how did they test that door without an emergency?! How do they know it WILL open during an emergency?!

Suggestion:
Convertible-type airplanes: you heard it here first folks!

PROS:

• No waiting after you reach your destination. (How you reach your destination given that you will be in what is essentially an open-casket traveling at 600+ mph in the clouds is debatable)
• You don't have to listen to that chump call everyone he knows to let them know his feet have touched the ground.
• Limited frustration at people who sit in their seats till their row clears up and then jump and proceed to make others wait while they haul their baggage from the over head compartment.
• Tickets cost less.

CONS:

• Slightly increased chance of decrease in cabin pressure.
• Difficult to consume alcohol on flight.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

5. Non-reclining seats
While most people are not fans of bending over, in general, the idea of leaning back is a pleasant one because it lulls the passenger into a false sense of security as he/she tries to ignore the fact that they are essentially traveling in a self-propelled phallus. It also means you don't have to stare at the back of the seat in front of you and discourages you from looking around at your fellow passengers. But every flight has two-three rows (only in economy class) where the seats don't recline.... and it really makes me wonder... WHY?! Does the guy behind me need to eat his meals off a plate that is perfectly parallel to the ground? Do they think that they will need to invest in airplane ceiling artwork to keep the 8-10 unfortunate souls stuck in that seat something to stare at? Could design engineers not find 5 inches to spare in a 300-foot aircraft? Does the reclining in any way prevent someone from reaching an exit?! Hint: if you can't squeeze in the gap behind a reclining seat, you probably have bigger problems than reaching the emergency exit, like going to the toilet (which I maintain is a far more serious, and common emergency.)

Suggestion:
A new eugenics program to decrease the dimensions of future races of humanity to more easily fit more people in an airplane.

PROS:

• More reclining space.
• Ticket prices stay the same far into the future.

CONS:

• Program will need time to mature.
• Airlines may counter by reducing seat size, necessitating further size reduction of humans till we end up in a vicious cycle that causes the entire human race to fit into a matchbox.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

6. Frequent Sucker Miles
This program really takes the cake. When I create a Frequent Sucker account, they ask me for details of my life that my mom doesn't know. They want my contact information, they want to know if they can text me their latest updates, want me to become friends on Facebook and 'Like' their dumbass logos but when it comes to actually getting credit for flights flown? It doesn't happen automatically. Oh wait, you didn't show your card and/or enter your 16-digit card number when you booked tickets? That's alright, just send us your original boarding passes, ticket stubs, restaurant receipts and life-jacket colors so that we can verify you are not lying. Of course, if you were trying to get out of a ticket you already booked, then they can just verify that information in a database, or bill you cancellation fees without needing you to produce any stubs or tickets. Wunderbar!

Suggestion:
Another painful sub-cutaneous chip implanted between your eyes - only this time, it's permanent.

PROS:

• Never have to 'remember' to get miles.
• Now you can fulfill your life-long ambition of getting a hand-held metal detector waved in your face each time you cross the metal detector.
• Painful update process each time you fly deters idiots from flying.

CONS:

• Could cause small delays during check-in especially if sterile surgery rooms are unavailable.
• That's it! No other cons!

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

You may have noticed a pattern so far. I'll clue you in. All the risk assessments are marginal! That's because I have selected these suggestions after a lot of careful research into cost-benefit analysis, shifting paradigms multiple times while maintaining my ethical integrity in the midst of driving polarizing innovation and rejuvenating synergy between marquee partners. Hell Yeah!

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Blog Updated!

If you are reading this message, then this news is redundant. Just like most of the Indian media.

Please.. keep more guns at home.

In St. Louis recently, an 8-year old boy shot his father 4 times, and another man (who was staying as a paying guest) 6 times. He lies to interrogators for an hour making up stories like a little boy would, not realizing that they had techniques to nail his fingerprints on the gun or residue on his clothes.

His excuse? His dad beat him. A lot. Possibly every day, possibly multiple times a day. I'm not saying it was the fathers fault, but hey, you keep guns at home, teach your son to use them, and then beat the shit out of him everyday -- one day he's going to blow your brains out.

This kid is doomed to a life in juvenile detention for the next several years where he will no doubt improve his social standing and get into good habits like trimming his nails every week or combing his hair every morning. He will also be buggered.

Spankings are not an excuse to shoot someone, least of all two people. I don't endorse any form of sympathy for the kid or his dad. The dad screwed up by teaching his kid to shoot (and may be beating him more than he should,) and the kid screwed up.... well, by shooting two people for fuck's sake!

In other news, another man has been arrested for raping his two daughters for 30 (!!!!!) years. He's fathered about 9 kids with them, got them pregnant far more often than that, did not let them out of the house and generally abused them. Where was the vaunted social security and child support that these kids were supposed to get? 30 years man! Think about it, most of you who will read this are not even 25 yet!!

Not a good time for the world.

PS - Mumbai -- you deserve so much better than what happened Nov. 26th. Maybe one day, when I get the time (and the patience) I will put up an anti-religion page. Till then, take care.

I'm Employed.

Yup.

Southisms

After much debating with my friends, I have come to the conclusion that in the South of India (and I'm mainly referring to Tamilnadu) there is a completely different way of speaking English than anywhere else. I'm not referring to the occassional slipping in of English into everyday language. I'm talking serious change of meaning and pronounciation.

1. Pamilee/Famlee: You've all heard this at some point (if you've been in the South.) Any person comes visiting with his family to some office and the hosts lackey usually informs the boss that the man has come with "Pamilee/Famlee". It doesn't matter if he has come with just his wife or just his kid or his entire extended family, even one accompanying person is referred to as Pamilee/Famlee. Thanks to someone I don't want to explicitly give credit to for this gem.
2. Oife: In some parts of America and several parts of England, this word is pronounced Wife. The meaning is the same.
3. Ladees/Ladeej: Women in any group or gathering of any sort.  Even if there's only one it's still Ladees/Ladeej.
4. Words beginning with P: Just hearing a RJ on the radio talk about the flanets and about Fluto is an exercise in laughter by itself. Also manifests in above-mentioned Pamilee.
5. Onway: Germany has the autobahn, America has the freeway, Britain has the highway, we have the onway. A road (not really) where legally traffic flows in one direction only, but actually flows in up to four different directions.
6. Andred: What comes after 99.
7. Gowlf: A sport played by using a crooked stick to know a ball in to a hole on a large green field. Alternate Spelling: Golf.
8. Prolem: A dilemma without the di. Sometimes spelled Problem in some cultures.
9. Dafanit: Definite as Daffy Duck would say it, I suppose.
10. Mrs: Refers to a wife. As in, "Mrs. is not there?." Not to be confused with the grammatically correct Missus as in, "Is the missus in?"

BTW, on a side note, have you noticed that whenever someone has a South Indian Lackey, the lackey is always bent at a painful angle (like they have piles), the arms are crossed and the shoulders are hunched together. Why this overly painful gesture?????? Aren't you doing enough cleaning the boss's kid's poop, washing the Pamilee dog and driving the Ladees around? Sometimes they go further and cover their mouth with the upper portion of the fingers of their right hand in a semi-curved position.

Just painful.

Modern Pandavas

You-did-steal -> There has to be balance in life. The youngest of all the Pandavas was an epitome of dishonesty. He lied, cheated and stole his way through the war.

Beam -> The weakest of all the Pandavas; when he was a young lad, he fell on a stone and the stone broke his back.

Ad-jun -> He was the primary source of revenue for the Pandavas. He was the poster boy for the war, and even had a famous 20 minutes commercial where he was lectured to by the famous blue guy.

Not-kool -> Easily the least classy of all the Pandavas, Not-kool wore sunglasses that were way too big for him. His glasses were so big, they blinded Rat-a-tat-astra, the king, when he was watching the battle remotely via Sanjaya Channel

Such-waste -> He is barely mentioned in the concise versions of the epic. He is the unidentical twin of Not-kool. Only available in the extended collection. Like an extra toy in the G.I Joe collection that nobody wants and only possess because he came free with Maggi Noodles.

Rantt

More:

1. Advanced technology home products. I'm tired of hearing about everyday, ordinary products being marketed with some sort of space-flight-capable microprocessors in them. Detergent with "advanced-heat-seeking-dust-smiting-microgranules", shampoos with "advanced-hair-shine-boosting-technology", scissors with "advanced-foreknowledge-about-foreskin-systems", razor blades with "automatic-blade-growing-technology" (because that seems to be the only way they can "advance" razor blade technology: add more blades), the list is endless. When did ordinary prodcuts get so complicated? Why can't anyone just buy shampoo anywhere without requiring a socket to plug the bottle into? You know what's next right? Harpic with "advanced-turd-source-cleaning-shakti-along-with-dishwasher-liquid-dispensing-nozzle-technology." Wait till Aman Verma gets to your house to demonstrate THAT.
2. Well-known, famous, instantly recognizable actors posing as doctors/dentists. Who are they trying to fool here? What is the point of showing an _actor_, who is instantly recognizable as not being a doctor, in a white lab coat. I don't care when they have some fake doctor on screen telling me I should brush my teeth with Gopal Pal Podi (Tooth Powder), I'm likely to care less if I recognize the actor in the advertisements.
   
3. People who say "can't able to" are going to have to watch their backs from now on. I've trained with a hatchet over the summer and have sharpened my skills to the point (puns intended) where I can close my eyes and lop your ears off. Freaks.
4. Razor blade advertisements where the male model is already clean shaven before he even picks up the product. Look, we're not all that stupid. Some of us actually possess a brain and can able to use it. Therefore, we request you to kindly cease and desist lest you desire getting a large, cumbersome object shoved not-so-gently in to your lengthy intestinal tubing. 
5. People who don't know how to operate lifts. If you want to go up, press UP dammit! Don't press the direction YOU want the lift to move so it can reach the floor on which your lazy ass has parked itself. And people who get in to a lift and try to direct it in the direction opposite to the one it's already going on are going to be launched headfirst into the shaft.
6. People who hit my car. Even if it's my fault, it's actually your fault since you didn't avoid me. That's what half of driving in India constitutes: compensation for the next guys mistake. You didn't compensate enough, you didn't anticipate. Your fault.