Child-Proofing a light switch in India

No way he/she's getting through that, right? Right?!

Progress? The Wrights disagree...

I am, of course, talking about the airline industry. For those of you who are surprised to learn that I know of Wilbur and Orville Wrights (WOW) - well, I was surprised too. The last few months I have had several wonderful opportunities to experience the joy that is airline economy class.
By the way, this is my most well-researched article yet. All facts are straight from Google (notice how specific I am). I have provided suggestions on how to fix several glaring problems in the airline industry and have excellent scientific bases for most, if not all, of them.

1. Seat Belts:
It's been 107 years since WOW managed to get themselves off the ground for a sustainable flight (at least one that did not involve voluntary or in-voluntary homicide at the end). We have had 19 other great achievements then (http://www.greatachievements.org/) but we still choose to strap ourselves in with a little black strap that costs barely more than your average fortune cookie. What the hell is up with that?!

Suggestion:
Electro-magnetic fields that forcibly hold us in place during take-off and landing.

PROS

• Fries cellphones that are switched on nanoseconds after the flight lands.
• Kid next to you can't irritate you.
• Passenger next to you can't keep his or her elbow on your armrest. Take that bitch!

CONS:

• Slightly elevated chance of frying a pacemaker.
• Can cause prolonged magneto-retention effects on wheelchairs rendering them useless.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

2. Boarding passes:
Really? In the 21st century, we have electronic bills, electronic tickets, electronic personalities and to a certain extent electronic sex lives and yet we have to show them a piece of paper before they let us board the plane? Why? What is the point of this? I carry ID and have already cleared security. They can verify my name against their database to make sure I am catching the correct flight. What the hell is this piece of paper for? Not only is it using obsolete technology, it makes me have to clumsily carry it around, wonder if I am allowed to fold it, take care of it between connecting flights. WHY??

Suggestion:
Painfully inserted sub-cutaneous e-boarding chips placed under your left ring fingernail.

PROS:

• No more paper boarding passes.
• More trees = more places for people in India to paint with a white stripe (!)
• Some people have a low tolerance for pain and will prefer to not fly. These are the same people that crib about ear-aches on the flight and ask if they can go to the toilet before the airplane takes off.

CONS:

• Potential for loss of boarding pass if your arm is lopped off in a with the rapid transport cart.
• Some bleeding may occur if the insertion is not done right.
• Will always set off the metal detector. Body cavity searches become mandatory

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

3. Layovers/Stopovers
Do you know the destination and origin of WOW's flight? Here's a hint: they didn't have to change terminals.
Which genius woke up one morning and said: "Hey! I just had a great idea. You know how people always want to go from A to B? Well, I think we should take them from A to C and then from C to B. Let's make them wait hours at C too!! It's sheer genius!". The board of directors looked at him and SHOULD have said: "WHY?!, WHY MOFO WHY?!" But mysteriously, they said, BINGO!

Suggestion:
Make airplanes so long that you don't have to fly anywhere. Just get in at one door, and walk out the other.

PROS:

• No stopovers!
• No changing gates, looking for connecting flight information or worrying if your luggage made it.
• You get to carry ALL your luggage ALL the time!

CONS:

• Slight increase in ticket price.
• Could be hazardous to old people.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

4. One-Door Policy
One of the first things they tell you during the safety lecture is: "This plane is equipped with 4 doors, two in front, two in back and four on either wings. This plane is also equipped with mathematically-challenged stewards". Why then, in the name of the Incas, do we all have to stand in line to get out of the plane?! What, do the other doors not open in the case of a non-emergency? Did they really think, while designing the plane, that there should be doors that can not be opened in the absence of an emergency?! If so, how did they test that door without an emergency?! How do they know it WILL open during an emergency?!

Suggestion:
Convertible-type airplanes: you heard it here first folks!

PROS:

• No waiting after you reach your destination. (How you reach your destination given that you will be in what is essentially an open-casket traveling at 600+ mph in the clouds is debatable)
• You don't have to listen to that chump call everyone he knows to let them know his feet have touched the ground.
• Limited frustration at people who sit in their seats till their row clears up and then jump and proceed to make others wait while they haul their baggage from the over head compartment.
• Tickets cost less.

CONS:

• Slightly increased chance of decrease in cabin pressure.
• Difficult to consume alcohol on flight.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

5. Non-reclining seats
While most people are not fans of bending over, in general, the idea of leaning back is a pleasant one because it lulls the passenger into a false sense of security as he/she tries to ignore the fact that they are essentially traveling in a self-propelled phallus. It also means you don't have to stare at the back of the seat in front of you and discourages you from looking around at your fellow passengers. But every flight has two-three rows (only in economy class) where the seats don't recline.... and it really makes me wonder... WHY?! Does the guy behind me need to eat his meals off a plate that is perfectly parallel to the ground? Do they think that they will need to invest in airplane ceiling artwork to keep the 8-10 unfortunate souls stuck in that seat something to stare at? Could design engineers not find 5 inches to spare in a 300-foot aircraft? Does the reclining in any way prevent someone from reaching an exit?! Hint: if you can't squeeze in the gap behind a reclining seat, you probably have bigger problems than reaching the emergency exit, like going to the toilet (which I maintain is a far more serious, and common emergency.)

Suggestion:
A new eugenics program to decrease the dimensions of future races of humanity to more easily fit more people in an airplane.

PROS:

• More reclining space.
• Ticket prices stay the same far into the future.

CONS:

• Program will need time to mature.
• Airlines may counter by reducing seat size, necessitating further size reduction of humans till we end up in a vicious cycle that causes the entire human race to fit into a matchbox.

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

6. Frequent Sucker Miles
This program really takes the cake. When I create a Frequent Sucker account, they ask me for details of my life that my mom doesn't know. They want my contact information, they want to know if they can text me their latest updates, want me to become friends on Facebook and 'Like' their dumbass logos but when it comes to actually getting credit for flights flown? It doesn't happen automatically. Oh wait, you didn't show your card and/or enter your 16-digit card number when you booked tickets? That's alright, just send us your original boarding passes, ticket stubs, restaurant receipts and life-jacket colors so that we can verify you are not lying. Of course, if you were trying to get out of a ticket you already booked, then they can just verify that information in a database, or bill you cancellation fees without needing you to produce any stubs or tickets. Wunderbar!

Suggestion:
Another painful sub-cutaneous chip implanted between your eyes - only this time, it's permanent.

PROS:

• Never have to 'remember' to get miles.
• Now you can fulfill your life-long ambition of getting a hand-held metal detector waved in your face each time you cross the metal detector.
• Painful update process each time you fly deters idiots from flying.

CONS:

• Could cause small delays during check-in especially if sterile surgery rooms are unavailable.
• That's it! No other cons!

RISK ASSESSMENT: Marginal

You may have noticed a pattern so far. I'll clue you in. All the risk assessments are marginal! That's because I have selected these suggestions after a lot of careful research into cost-benefit analysis, shifting paradigms multiple times while maintaining my ethical integrity in the midst of driving polarizing innovation and rejuvenating synergy between marquee partners. Hell Yeah!

Deals2Buy is a good deals website

It has some really good deals sometimes! It also has some great giveaways!

http://www.deals2buy.com

Blog Updated!

If you are reading this message, then this news is redundant. Just like most of the Indian media.

Please.. keep more guns at home.

In St. Louis recently, an 8-year old boy shot his father 4 times, and another man (who was staying as a paying guest) 6 times. He lies to interrogators for an hour making up stories like a little boy would, not realizing that they had techniques to nail his fingerprints on the gun or residue on his clothes.

His excuse? His dad beat him. A lot. Possibly every day, possibly multiple times a day. I'm not saying it was the fathers fault, but hey, you keep guns at home, teach your son to use them, and then beat the shit out of him everyday -- one day he's going to blow your brains out.

This kid is doomed to a life in juvenile detention for the next several years where he will no doubt improve his social standing and get into good habits like trimming his nails every week or combing his hair every morning. He will also be buggered.

Spankings are not an excuse to shoot someone, least of all two people. I don't endorse any form of sympathy for the kid or his dad. The dad screwed up by teaching his kid to shoot (and may be beating him more than he should,) and the kid screwed up.... well, by shooting two people for fuck's sake!

In other news, another man has been arrested for raping his two daughters for 30 (!!!!!) years. He's fathered about 9 kids with them, got them pregnant far more often than that, did not let them out of the house and generally abused them. Where was the vaunted social security and child support that these kids were supposed to get? 30 years man! Think about it, most of you who will read this are not even 25 yet!!

Not a good time for the world.

PS - Mumbai -- you deserve so much better than what happened Nov. 26th. Maybe one day, when I get the time (and the patience) I will put up an anti-religion page. Till then, take care.

I'm Employed.

Yup.

Southisms

After much debating with my friends, I have come to the conclusion that in the South of India (and I'm mainly referring to Tamilnadu) there is a completely different way of speaking English than anywhere else. I'm not referring to the occassional slipping in of English into everyday language. I'm talking serious change of meaning and pronounciation.

1. Pamilee/Famlee: You've all heard this at some point (if you've been in the South.) Any person comes visiting with his family to some office and the hosts lackey usually informs the boss that the man has come with "Pamilee/Famlee". It doesn't matter if he has come with just his wife or just his kid or his entire extended family, even one accompanying person is referred to as Pamilee/Famlee. Thanks to someone I don't want to explicitly give credit to for this gem.
2. Oife: In some parts of America and several parts of England, this word is pronounced Wife. The meaning is the same.
3. Ladees/Ladeej: Women in any group or gathering of any sort.  Even if there's only one it's still Ladees/Ladeej.
4. Words beginning with P: Just hearing a RJ on the radio talk about the flanets and about Fluto is an exercise in laughter by itself. Also manifests in above-mentioned Pamilee.
5. Onway: Germany has the autobahn, America has the freeway, Britain has the highway, we have the onway. A road (not really) where legally traffic flows in one direction only, but actually flows in up to four different directions.
6. Andred: What comes after 99.
7. Gowlf: A sport played by using a crooked stick to know a ball in to a hole on a large green field. Alternate Spelling: Golf.
8. Prolem: A dilemma without the di. Sometimes spelled Problem in some cultures.
9. Dafanit: Definite as Daffy Duck would say it, I suppose.
10. Mrs: Refers to a wife. As in, "Mrs. is not there?." Not to be confused with the grammatically correct Missus as in, "Is the missus in?"

BTW, on a side note, have you noticed that whenever someone has a South Indian Lackey, the lackey is always bent at a painful angle (like they have piles), the arms are crossed and the shoulders are hunched together. Why this overly painful gesture?????? Aren't you doing enough cleaning the boss's kid's poop, washing the Pamilee dog and driving the Ladees around? Sometimes they go further and cover their mouth with the upper portion of the fingers of their right hand in a semi-curved position.

Just painful.

Modern Pandavas

You-did-steal -> There has to be balance in life. The youngest of all the Pandavas was an epitome of dishonesty. He lied, cheated and stole his way through the war.

Beam -> The weakest of all the Pandavas; when he was a young lad, he fell on a stone and the stone broke his back.

Ad-jun -> He was the primary source of revenue for the Pandavas. He was the poster boy for the war, and even had a famous 20 minutes commercial where he was lectured to by the famous blue guy.

Not-kool -> Easily the least classy of all the Pandavas, Not-kool wore sunglasses that were way too big for him. His glasses were so big, they blinded Rat-a-tat-astra, the king, when he was watching the battle remotely via Sanjaya Channel

Such-waste -> He is barely mentioned in the concise versions of the epic. He is the unidentical twin of Not-kool. Only available in the extended collection. Like an extra toy in the G.I Joe collection that nobody wants and only possess because he came free with Maggi Noodles.

Rantt

More:

1. Advanced technology home products. I'm tired of hearing about everyday, ordinary products being marketed with some sort of space-flight-capable microprocessors in them. Detergent with "advanced-heat-seeking-dust-smiting-microgranules", shampoos with "advanced-hair-shine-boosting-technology", scissors with "advanced-foreknowledge-about-foreskin-systems", razor blades with "automatic-blade-growing-technology" (because that seems to be the only way they can "advance" razor blade technology: add more blades), the list is endless. When did ordinary prodcuts get so complicated? Why can't anyone just buy shampoo anywhere without requiring a socket to plug the bottle into? You know what's next right? Harpic with "advanced-turd-source-cleaning-shakti-along-with-dishwasher-liquid-dispensing-nozzle-technology." Wait till Aman Verma gets to your house to demonstrate THAT.
2. Well-known, famous, instantly recognizable actors posing as doctors/dentists. Who are they trying to fool here? What is the point of showing an _actor_, who is instantly recognizable as not being a doctor, in a white lab coat. I don't care when they have some fake doctor on screen telling me I should brush my teeth with Gopal Pal Podi (Tooth Powder), I'm likely to care less if I recognize the actor in the advertisements.
   
3. People who say "can't able to" are going to have to watch their backs from now on. I've trained with a hatchet over the summer and have sharpened my skills to the point (puns intended) where I can close my eyes and lop your ears off. Freaks.
4. Razor blade advertisements where the male model is already clean shaven before he even picks up the product. Look, we're not all that stupid. Some of us actually possess a brain and can able to use it. Therefore, we request you to kindly cease and desist lest you desire getting a large, cumbersome object shoved not-so-gently in to your lengthy intestinal tubing. 
5. People who don't know how to operate lifts. If you want to go up, press UP dammit! Don't press the direction YOU want the lift to move so it can reach the floor on which your lazy ass has parked itself. And people who get in to a lift and try to direct it in the direction opposite to the one it's already going on are going to be launched headfirst into the shaft.
6. People who hit my car. Even if it's my fault, it's actually your fault since you didn't avoid me. That's what half of driving in India constitutes: compensation for the next guys mistake. You didn't compensate enough, you didn't anticipate. Your fault.

Rant

Here we go:

1. Inserting "proverbial" in to sentences that otherwise would be meaningless and out-of-context (supposedly). Look, we all get the idea of a proverb. You don't need to educate us simple, cow-worshipping, human-sacrificing folk. Is it "tip of the proverbial iceberg" or "the proverbial tip of the iceberg" ? Does it matter? Do we care? Can we not understand the use of a metaphor as simple as searching for a needle in the haystack without the extra, added, complimentary, bonus (yes, I took that from Carlin, sue me.) tag declaring the haystack to be "proverbial". Why don't you take a proverbial kick to the nuts?
2. Cliches from children's books. Every author of a book for children writes with an undercurrent of guilt that each story he/she writes must have a "moral" or an "upstanding", honest person as its protagonist. Why? That's not how real life is. Not only is this angelic character completely unbelievable, it's completely illogical. Hunters who hunt and trap animals are described as kind-hearted when they decide to release the animal they've caught. Woodcutters are caring individuals who just happen to save a wounded bird: one they wounded by destroying their home in the first place. There's also always this sort of fatherly uncle figure that everyone just refers to as Uncle blah blah. We don't need some random uncle giving us moral lessons. Grow up, lose the match, get your report card, go home and face the music. That's what kids need to learn today.
3. People who say "anyways." STOP THAT. The word doesn't exist.
   
4. "By-the-by." I don't care if this exists or not. It should be outlawed if it does.
5. Karan Johar. Okay, this one was out of spite. I can't stand his overly gay attitude, hair style, his non-gender-specific face and his polished 'dahling' English. He dances too by the by. God.
   

To be continued... sometime.

Socio-Econo-Politico-Sporto-relevant post

Current mood: Shocked!

Sorry, that was a parody (a lame one I know) of Wordpress. Two of my friends just moved there, so............. I had to.

However, I am genuinely shocked at a very recent event that happened that concerns all of us. Namely, the posting of four (4, quatro, vier, numero charo) comments on my previous post regarding Abinav Bhindra.

What is wrong with us? As the future generation of this country, we are expected to have an apathetic attitude towards sports, socially relevant issues and politics (not necessarily in that order.) I consider myself to be a patriotic Indian of the first Order. I make it a point to not care when something important happens, I don't follow the news, I don't cheer for India (unless it's for cricket of course) and I definitely don't follow _politics_. Sheesh! What is this country coming to?

And now I hear that people actually want to COME BACK to India, after education abroad! Hello!!! What the hell happened to those good ol' days when we would emigrate en masse to different countries, drive taxis and cabs there that we could have driven here, participate in community welfare programs there that we could have done here, express a concern for the environment that we could express here.

I am appalled at the lack of apathy being shown by todays youth. Stop caring. Really, it's not expected of you. What's next? A political party formed by students from IIT?! Hahahahah! That was a good one!! Oh.... wait.

Wait, I have another one; let me try again. What's next? Are we going to start winning medals in anything other than cricket (have we, incidentally???!) and "shootings" (which was obviously a fluke!!!) ?????/ Oh...... wait.

Damn, I'm running out of things to say; Ok, one last attempt. What's next? Are we going to defy the world and sign a nuclear deal with the United States, while secretly being able to develop bombs that will wipe out "insurgents, rebels, terrorism-by-proxy and plain ol' crazies) ? Oh..... wait.

Shit.

PS - The views expressed above are not my own. They are of Hindustani Pathloon; a guy who guest writes for my blog. I have nothing to do with him.

Beware the "Silent Killer"

So Bindra won the gold. Good for us.

Does it not bother anyone that his father, refers to him as a silent killer?! Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that his father watched him place water balloons on a poor maids head (another sign of the oppression of lower castes) and shot at them repeatedly knowing "little" (and that is supposed to excuse this,) that, and I quote, "a slight mistake could have proved fatal."

This just scares the shit out of me. If I knew there was a five year old with deadly aim and a wanton disregard for safety, (not to mention his maid) who lived next door, I'd be calling the police dammit! I'd be calling them even faster if I knew his Pops was proud of him!!!!!

Good show Bindra!

It's Bad For Ya

R.I.P George Carlin. You will be missed.

Ok, onto my newest post (in a while, I know.) Well, I've been quite busy for the last six months. People who don't know me very well probably think I'm lying. People who do know me very well and with whom I've been in regular touch with know that I'm lying. Anyway, for the intents and purposes of this blog, I've been busy.

In the meantime, a lot of interesting things happened to me. Too bad you won't ever come to know what they are. Here is a short list of things you don't know.

• It's a federal offense to attack a customs official on American soil or any type of ground for that matter.
• It's a similarly illegal crime to bash your friendly, neighbourhood postman's head in with a sledgehammer.

Here is a short list of things I have done in the last six months.

• Been to NYC? Check.
• Seen shitty movies? Check.
• Seen good movies? Check.
• As George Carlin would NOT say: beleaguered by a "negative cash flow position?" Double Check.

Here is a short list of things YOU did in the last six months.

• Waited for me to update.
• More waiting.
• It's a boring life. Admit it.

But I'll be a bit more regular now that the summer has started and my lazy ass won't need to be anywhere but in front of a computer. Till then, wait some more.

Oh and by the way, check out GMail Labs "Muzzle." It's a god send. Someone at Google actually listened to me! Balls to you and your dumbass status messages!

Counselling on the internet

Of late, I have been getting a lot of good psychiatric help from websites. Whether it's an astute observation about my life like so:



Or advice on how to get married, with correct emphasis on exactly when:



Or just plain ol' "facts" and phrases I didn't know existed:



Where's NetNanny when you need her?

Busy? Unavailable? I don't care!

There is a new phenomenon in town. A new plague if you will. There is no doubt that with the evolution of the internet, our lives are slowly changing to become more and more connected to the internet, and thereby the rest of the world.
But why, oh WHY, do I have to be informed of every little insignificant "status" change in your inconsequential life. Do you people even think before you edit that little line of text near that Google dot, or that field that, funnily enough, is called Name in Orkut? Do you ever stop to wonder whether other people are really bothered by the change in your life? The simple answer is: NO. The long and detailed answer is: NO.
I don't care that you had an appendectomy and can't make it to your precious Gtalk to turn it off. I don't care that you suddenly had an epiphany on life and you can compress eighty to hundred years of existence into one meaningless, sham of a philosophical line. I don't care whether you have exams, whether you're in the process of getting a phallus-shaped object rammed up where the "sun don't shine," I don't care that you are getting a tattoo and that it is of course, of some cricket players name, or if you are pregnant and your unborn child can't respond for a few months. STOP IT!
Orkut has become almost unsearchable because of morons who decide to change their status messgaes to silly little phrases like "Having fun, LOL," or "ESCRITO QUE ES IMBECILE." The madness must stop!
Quit flooding my Gtalk window with your insane messages. If you're busy, just say so dammit! If you don't want to be disturbed, don't log in. If you need to check your mail, then disable GTalk and disable GChat from your browser. I don't need to know that you are too busy to be disturbed. It's not like I have a million things to say to you anyway.
Shouldn't this count as invasion of privacy. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of trivial nonsense that I have to read just because some doofus IMed me and flashed his status message in my face. There's this whole class of alien refuse that even IM people asking them if they read their new status message. There are only two possible answers, neither of which they can accept:
1. YES, I read it and I think you should be in jail for expecting people to react to your passive message.
2. NO, I did not, and do not intend to in the future, unless I am forced to at gunpoint.

I hope you folks get the message (pun intended). If you don't, well, then
STATUS : Couldn't care less

A Long Time

Check both of these out: they're hilarious. I've started using StumbleUpon to get me a few minutes of entertainment during the few breaks from work I take.



and then this.

Also, you might want to check out Ali G on youtube.

Writer's Block

Ok. So i don't know what to write about.
Bear with me for a few moments and I will eventually come up with something enlightening for you to ponder the rest of your adult life considering that's how long it will take you to figure out what I have said in the few sentences that I decide to spew in a despearate yet clear-cut means of washing away the boredom that is eating away at my well known and well respected sense of humour; the very faculty that I put to maximum use when I want to while away a few hours of my life and several days of yours, given that we agreed at the beginning of this sentence that you would take more time than the average chipmunk to understand the verbal barrage that I am about to dispense in your general direction as part of my above mentioned desire to kill some time and some gray cells in that pathetic excuse for a brain that you carry around in your vaccuumed cranial cavity in a mind numbingly stupid excercise to appear moderately intelligent and/or sentient just to appease the increasing number of pseudo-intellectuals in todays society.
I could have gone on and on but I thought better of it. As I am typing this entry out of sheer boredom, it is with the deepest disdain that I see George Bush on TV making some speech about Vietnam and the war and basically kissing up to the war-vets populace of America. The worst part of it is that other people in this lounge are discussing this like it's the latest fashion innerwear sported by Gisele.
I am already spotting the typical signs of a person "getting involved" in a discussion. THe characteristic sitting on the edge of their seat, with their chins supported by their elbows staring at their co-discusser like they give a fragrant rats ass about what they're saying. This is what I call 'sounding the well. Sounding the well is the technique by which two or more idiots are involved in simultaneously trying to determine the stupidity of another person just by pretending to listen to them. People are so petty.
If I seem to be particularly cynical today, well, I have a reason. And I'll be damned if I sit and explain everything out to you. Suffice to say that I have been wronged yet again, by that supreme entity people refer to as God. Just on a sidetrack, the weather woman on CNN is really beginning to irritate me. Not only is she prancing about the screen as these fuzzy 'satellite' images flash behind her. In a tribute to her obvious mediocrity, her name is Oke. All she has done so far, is make faces and squeeze her fists together while telling us the the Hurricane Dean is decimating Mexico.
This reminds me of something that I read during the landmark Sanjay Dutt case a few weeks ago. The judge in the case had classified ALL the accused in the case into three distinct categories. The first being peripheral, the second being minor and the third being serious offences. Having thus clearly demarcated three groups, ostensibly to classify the accused more easily, he then proceeded to state that Sanjay Dutt fell somewhere between a peripheral and a minor offender. Now, this is when I decideded to take a bludgeon to his brain. People are idiots. It's as if nothing they say makes sense for more than 5 minutes after the words have escaped the intense gravitational pull of the black hole that is their face.
To further drive home this point, I am going to take the example of Michael Vick. he's just admitted to staging dogfights in his neighbourhood. He's ADMITTED that he's guilty. Yet CNN has an hour long programme involving Legal Analysts and a Radio Host(?!). For What?! The man has already admitted his guilt. Leave him be and get on with it. Don't you have some more deformed kids and mutilated people to show, since that is what qualifies as 'hard-hitting' news?
I can't take this anymore. I quit.

Cleavage? No Thanks.

I'm probably the only guy in the world who looked at a womans cleavage and decided that he was better off sticking his head underwater for several perilous moments, while a surgeon performs a routine rectal examination, than look. The cleavage in question belonged to Khusboo. (I am going to take liberties with spelling her name.)

The whole incident took place when I was watching a show called Jackpot, a "quiz" show that Khusbu "anchors" where the "answers" are "results" from a "buplic survey". Each time you encounter the double quotes, take a breath, slow down and enunciate the word enclosed; then proceed. Anyway, Khoosboo was wearing a sari the color of which I don't remember and don't intend to since the very recollection of that image might burn a permanent hole in my brain. As Khoosbu turned to face the "board", there was a blinding flash of light, an Aurora Borealis if you will, that blinded me. Yes, the cleavage I saw was from her back!

This is something that occurs only "down south" - boy I hate that term. It always seems that the actresses who start off model slim and sexy, suddenly gain weight as they gain popularity. It's as if they EAT their fans. Look at the list of people here - Rambha, Mumtaz, Ramya Krishnan, Khusboo, Nayantara, Jyotika, the list is endless. Some of these "actresses" have started to wise up and tone down, but most of them are happy to be round. I purposely left out Namitha from this list becuase she does not come under "fat". Oh no, she is waaaay too big to be called just "fat". Namitha is like the Parliament to the Qutab Minar, she's like the rose to a reed, a brick to a stick, and so many more such irrelevant comparisons. What I'm struggling to say, I think, is that her vastness is so vast (for lack of a better word), that it encompasses all that is green and blue and red and magenta and fluorescent and cream and purple and orange and oh so many more colors. It's incredible watching her move her ponderous excuse for a body from one jilted pose to another in that pathetic motion she calls dance.

Look at the actresses in Bollywood. Most of them are smokin' hot! And they take pains to stay that way. They make sure that even if they are a little plump, atleast they maintain a shape that can be likened to a desirable female form.

This post is completely worthless in the face of current hotties like Shriya and the now-oh-so-slim Nayantara. I sincerely thank Messrs Rajnikanth and Shankar for bringing such joy into our lives. Joy mixed with the purity of love and uninhibited lust. Peace.

Yahoo Boo Hoo

Yahoo! has got to go. I mean it. It must leave this dimension and pursue economic glory in a parallel universe. One where Google does not exist. This is my advice to Yahoo's 'executives'.

Why you ask?

Reason 1:
Yahoo Mail Beta sucks. It uses more bandwidth than ever and provides a Microsoft Outlook Express look and feel that frankly reminds me of my Windows 3.11 days. It has its own share of login issues, mail selection problems and more.

Reason 2:
Yahoo Photos is closing down. Gee whiz! That's a new one! Yahoo decides to close shop on one of their premier features. This is what they have to say about it.

Yahoo-

For some time now we’ve supported two great photo sharing services, Yahoo! Photos and Flickr. But even good things come to an end, and we’ve decided to focus all our efforts on Flickr – the award winning photo sharing site that Time Magazine has even called “completely addictive.”

The Bullshit Translator-

We're losing to Google's Picasa!!! Boo Hoo!! We don't know what to do!! So we're hoping systematically shutting down our services and leaving you in the lurch is the best alternative to spending time and money improving our services.

Yahoo-

You may have used Yahoo! Photos in a few of other Yahoo! products, including favorites like Yahoo! Mail, Yahoo! Messenger, 360°, Mobile Web, etc. Unfortunately Yahoo! Photos features in these services will be phased out of these products in the coming months.

The Bullshit Translator-

If we go down, we're taking everybody with us.

Reason 3:
Yahoo 360 can suck ostrich eggs. I have never used it and I never will. I don't need to see my e-mail and weather report together.

Reason 4:
Yahoo's spam filter is so efficient that it expertly directs all spam to my Inbox. I regularly receive e-mails about prostate gland enlargement, breast augmentation and wait-for-it car rentals! The only thing I have done in Yahoo for the last 6 months is enter, select all my e-mail and mark as spam.

Reason 5:
They're still focusing on Upgrading their services when all they need to do is Improve them. Those who don't understand the difference can take a hike unless they're female and pretty in which case, I will be more than happy to give you a free ride home.

Reason 6:
I hate their anti-phishing filter. That stupid picture there that does not let me save my yahoo user name and password on my computer so it can be easily filled in. Stupid, stupid thing. In fact, it's so stupid, it's probably stuphid.

Reason 7:
Google kicks ass! All over the place. Whether its Gmail, Picasa or Orkut. All google services totally kick Yahoo's butt on Yahoo Mail Beta (LAME), Flickr (WHAT?!) or Gazzag (Jeezus!).

The only place Yahoo rocks is with their messenger. Y! Messenger kicks booty. They might as well shut down all Yahoo services and create a chat room only website.

Priceless

1 gong ringer - 100 rupees
2 pooja bell ringers - 200 rupees
6 bell ringers - 600 rupees
70 devotees - 7000 rupees.

Finding out the godman in front of you works as a tailor on Mondays and Fridays - Priceless