Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Lee-thal. Dead-ly

How's this for a movie story.

1. Quiet boy.
2. Noisy girl.
3. Cliched Politician villain.
4. Subdued boy actually has deep feelings of love for number 2 and vengeance for number 3.
5. Girl falls in love with boy.
6. Boy shoots at politician. Fails to penetrate bulletproof glass. Does a super rotating kick.
7. Intermission.
8. Flashback mode
9. Boy part of soccer team that is denied entry to district level games.
10. Boy and team strung up along a goal post like stuck pigs.
11. Coach valiantly defends them against a soccer ball kicked by the chuckling villian penalty style.
12. Coach dies.
13. Boy cries.
14. Boy kidnaps ministers son, loses him and gets his best friend killed.
15. Turns out Boy had tape of minister spewing anti-social comments all along.
16. Releases to press. Everyone happy except villain.

This is the story of Lee Engira Leelatharan. How do I explain how much I regretted watching this? It was like getting a screw turned into your brain, slowly. Every scene the screw went tighter,until at the end all that was left was one big chunk of your brain on the floor.

() () () () () - I would give it a few more asses, but then 5's the limit. Hopeless.

Simplifly? No no, SimpliDIE

I flew Air Deccan again this time. It seems like they haven't read my blog from last time's trip. Maybe I should mail Captain Gopinath and tell him his airway sucks big time. I meant the airline, not his nasal pathways.
I got my bag x-rayed before checking in and it was clear. I checked in, and I asked for a seat in the front of the plane. "Free seating" was the reply I got. I started shaking in my boots. My brain had already translated the airport euphemism Free Seating into its real world equivalent of "Every man for himself" That meant a mad rush for seats when boarding began! Seriously, how much does it cost to make a seating plan? How lazy are these bums?!
Not as lazy as the man in charge of the X-Ray machine apparently. When I went for security check-in I was stopped because I had a set of screwdrivers in my bag. I couldn't take that on as hand baggage. Then why wasn't I stopped at the damn entrance?! I would have checked the bag in damn you!
It gets worse. The rush for seats was like the rush at Pothy's during a 50 percent sale. Or Saravana Stores during a 10 percent sale. After struggling to get into the plane, I was able to find a seat that i found "mildly" comfortable. There wasn't a push back! When I asked the flight attendant why there was no push back, she said "because there is no push back". Almost immediately, a warm glow of enlightenment dawned upon me, so bright that the passengers around me had to shield their eyes with their air-sickness bags.

It did not help much, that the pilot was American or something and had an accent only a mutated frog could understand. He was making small talk about possible turbulence and I was making small talk about his corpulence. We might have become good friends someday. Who knows?

The following is the entire conversation between the passenger next to me, and the air hostess when they came to serve "food". I use the term food very loosely here since most of the stuff they served seemed suspicious.

Man: "What do you serve?"
Flight Attendant: "Sir, Juice and Sandwich"
Man: "Do you have orange juice?"
FA: "Yes sir"

(She hands him a Guava Juice at this point)

FA: "Here you go Sir"
Man: "There is no orange juice"
FA: "Yes sir, guava juice"
Man: "...."
Me: "There doesn't seem to be any orange juice."
Man: "Orange juice"
FA: "Yes sir, orange juice"

(She hands him an Orange Juice finally)

FA: "Here's your guava sir."
Man: "...."

I rest my case.

Tired Old Cliches!

I'm back! With more evil venom to spew! This time I'm going to focus on all these silly old cliches that the newspapers seem to propogate. Not surprising, most of them seem to come from Bollywood, always a ready source of venom for me.

1. Chocolate boy looks.
What the hell does this mean? Girls are supposed to like chocolate? So the guy looks good? Or is it that his face is brown and mud-coloured and so he has supposedly chocolate origins? Or is it that his breath smells of cocoa?
Examples - Sonu Nigam - Jesus christ, with that tunnel network of a nose, people regard him as having Chocolate boy looks. Yech!

2. Girl-Next-Door.
Ok, this is pure bull right off the bat. No one who has lived next to me has ever looked like that. Second, the supposedly traditional look that they try to pull off is usually displaced in the next C-Grade flick they act in. The look is very temporary. I wish my girl-next-door looked like that.

3. Emotional Musical Romantic
This is actually a genre of movie! Devdas is classified under this category. Oh Lord! What will they think of next? Here are some more ideas - Cranially Damaging, Mental Trauma and Sob Fest.

4. Crying Heroes
This has GOT to stop! I'm getting sicker every minute I see some macho hero bend his biceps in one scene and then flex his tear muscles in the next. Oh I get it, they're trying to portray that men have an 'emotional/sensitive' side to them too? BULLSHIT. They don't. Men are much simpler than that. Men are BUTCH! Time to learn that.

5. The Comic - this is a tamil special
Every Tamil flick now has a designated comedian. This is as tired a cliche as you can get. The comedian of course, has all his kaamedi situations, complete with badly pronounced English words, getting beaten silly and of course getting yelled at. Then at the end of the movie, the supposedly carefree comic turns out to have a deeper side to him and he starts spewing philosophy faster than my tears at this point. Suddenly, HE'S the one doling out advice to the hero, explaining the vagaries of nature and the miseries of life with simple, yet deep metaphors. Please.

6. The Dying Scene.
Too long. Always. Cut short.

7. Songs
Too many. Unnecessary and usually not worth your time. Whether its Himiessshhh Ressaammiyaauiqz - no, that is not a typo, that's how he spells it now, or Kay Kay, all songs are stereotyped and rate a big 0 on my wanted list. The worst part is that we refuse to give up our ways of the song and dance, fickle heroines dashing around in splendid revelry/teensy tops all in the same scene. I say we need this like we need a Turbanator for PM, oh wait...

8. Spelling Bees
We'd all lose at this one wouldn't we? How many of you actually have just enough letters in your name to ensure people don't confuse your name with gurgling of a flowing river? Not many, turns out. I hate this addition of extra letters and removal of vowels. My new naming system is gonna be naming people SMS-style - namely (pun not intended) by dropping all the vowels. So Vijaykanth becomes Vjyknth, Dhanush becomes Dhnsh. This is the new revolution - i mean rvltion. This rant is more directed at Himesh Reshammiya's ACTING debut! Yes people, after gracing us with his voice, he's back to torment us further with his stubble and cap in place in the name of acting. The name of his movie? - AAP KA SURROOR, THE MOVIEE, THE REAL LUV STORY. I'm not kidding. Check it out.

At this point, I can't go on any further. My eyebrows have knotted together to form a Unibrow like a sailor's knot, my eyes are bloodshot and I am fuming. I need to cool off. I'm going to watch TV - Kabhie Khushie Kabhi Gham.. jeez.