Friday, June 30, 2006


Ok, I've had it up to here with Sachin and his stupid ads. Someone obviously needs to send him a link to my blog so he can read about how stupid his 'More Smiles Per Hour' campaign actually is. He's come in this new ad for Boost, in which he actually plays tennis - badly. Now I'm a tennis fan and a Sachin hater. To watch the two of them together is like having a migraine in your armpit! You can't stand it, but you can't avoid it either. Its stupid, let him stick to playing cricket, also badly (screw all the sachin fans out there). Why tennis? Why not croquet or the old ex-cricket favourite golf? Are they trying to tell us that tennis requires more energy than cricket by making a cricket god play tennis?

Another stupid ad is by Maggi. It has this whole family of Turbaned idiots who start singing Tamil songs because they start eating Maggi Sambar noodles. What sort of flavour is that for noodles anyway???? YUCK! Anyway, the point is that the not-so-cute sardar kid starts singing tamil songs and the entire family pitches in. I want to know, why do they think that Tamil songs are only sung in that wavering south indian accent? If they're trying to sell the noodles to North Indians, then they're showing the wrong sort of people to trust (sardars, for the dim witted morons who landed from the moon onto a browser that directed them here). If they're targeting us Southies, then we know better than to taste Sambar noodles right? RIGHT??!!!!! And they end the ad, with a catchy south indian 'Why not?'. Idiots.

Harpic ads make me want to go out there and grab Aman Verma and force him to clean my toilet. Why would anyone, most of all a celebrity, go to another person's house to clean their toilets?? It makes even less sense, since they decided to do communty service by having a bunch of ugly housewives gather at one house and then harp (pun not intended) on about how their toilets smell like shit. What do you expect it to smell like, you morons? You poop there don't you??! Anyway, the celebrity then enters the toilet (EUUUU!) and cleans it with Harpic. He manages to convice the hags that their toilet is now clean because the smell of shit has now been replaced with the smell of rotting mangoes. Great! While you're at it, why don't you just wipe up after I get off the toilet, or flush it for me. What say?

More ads I detest:

1. All Sachin ads.
2. All ads for energy drinks.
3. All ads for Raymond.
4. All ads for banks.
5. All ads.

KAOS - making your life miserable, one blog at a time.

Heart of A Champion

I was watching the Hingis - Sugiyama match on TV today. Thats tennis for the idiots who navigated to this page by mistake. At one point, the score was 7-5, 3-0 to Sugiyama. After half an hour, Hingis had won the second set 6-3. Thats the heart of a champion. She managed to win 6 games on the trot against a very competitive player.

Scared? Hah! I was kidding. While this story is true and I enjoyed the match, I'm gonna make the day miserable for you by bitching about something!

AAN - Men at Work, was the title of this ambitious movie. It was well over two and a half hours long and had everyone including Santa Claus - oh no wait, that was LOC: Kargil. Now here is the intro scene for Akshay Kumar hereby simply referred to as AK because I'm too lazy to type out his full name each time and I want to test the depth of your memory. Anyone who says AK is for Anna Kournikova gets a punch to the jaw. So anyway, AK enters the den of some smugglers. The action starts.

He whips out a pair of pistols and shoots at everything hitting precisely nothing. He runs out of ammo. Ok, realistic so far. Now comes the weird part, the bad guy calls in re-inforcements. They appear in the form of a leather clad biker gang. At this point, there is a complete change in the scene. There is no transition whatever, and the scene is AK on his feet surrounded by the evil biker gang wearing helmets since Indian laws prohibit driving two-wheelers without the necessary cranial protection. But wait, what happened to the bikes?! The biker gang is _standing_ around AK. They probably decided the bikes were useless inside a 10 x 4 room anyway right? So now, the bikes are gone and ten biker dudes surround AK.

AK looks around, stomps the ground and his empty pistols fly up into his hands. I can't believe John Woo saw the future in his dreams and copied it in MI - II, but thats the exact same scene there. AK holds the guns by the barrel. The biker guys are suddenly holding machine guns. AK starts hitting all the biker guys in the head using the butts of the guns, while the biker gang is helplessly firing their machine gun innacurately into the air at the great distance of 2 feet from AK. He smashes a few helmets and suddenly the entire gang is down.

Bad guy escapes on a bike. AK finds a horse in an abandoned steel mill, and climbs on! He and the bad guy have a beast vs. machine showdown and the bad guy goes down into the dirt. AK graciously steps off the horse and confronts the bad guy mano - e - mano.

Its raining. Yes, its actually suddenly raining in this movie that tries so hard to be real you can believe it as soon as you believe that panda bears play Su-do-ku when they aren't busy chewing on leaves and destroying vegetation. So, its raining. A few slow-mo punches exchaged complete with droplets being rendered.

Next scene, the bad guy is standing stock still. AK jumps 10 feet in the air for a drop kick. Bad guy stares, bad guy is hit and bad guy takes a tumble. NEXT FRAME, bad guy is standing stock still. AK jumps 9.5 feet in the air for a roundhouse. Bad guy stares, bad guy is hit and bad guy takes a tumble. NEXT FRAME, bad is standing stock still..... you know what I mean.

Thats it, thats the beginning part of AAN. Its probably the worst action sequence made anywhere and equals all Rajnikanth fight scenes. It is one step above Mithun Chakroborty's after all, MC is a lanky Bengali with no penchant for action.

Why the director decided to copy John Woo and mix it with Matrix action to produce Maggi noodles, I'll never know. And I hope I never do. I have better ways to waste 3 hours of my life.

1. Rearrange my nasal hair.
2. Play with my nail filings.
3. Watch cricket.

Actually, scratch that last one, I wouldn't watch cricket if I was held at gunpoint. Maybe if I was surrounded by leather clad biker guys........

Thursday, June 29, 2006

News or Views??

Thats a line I picked up from my dad while we were watching the news the other day. Its crazy how much the news is not the fact behind an event but rather a colloborative speculation that has the credibilty of someone talking in his sleep.
I was channel surfing the other day, and I saw the 'TOP STORIES' on Aaj Tak. It was Rakhi Sawant's kissing controversy. At the same time, the 'BREAKING NEWS' on India TV was that the hosts of the Laughter Challenge had been sued. Then the worst, there was this channel called Totally that actually had the result of a cricket match! Aaaargh! I hate cricket, and to give it air-time during the headlines slot is murder! What the hell happened to regional, national and international news that didn't involve celebrities? Are we to believe that only celebrities create news? One channel shows Preity Zinta and her court case while another shows Salman's case. Throw them all out the window and show some real news.

The worst thing about these so called 'News' channels is that there's nothing goddamned new about them anyway. The same story is recycled over and over and over again, and then again! The same old graphics, tele - correspondents, live correspondents, and studio anchors over and over till your brain is ingrained with their dressing sense. How many times have we seen a studio anchor speak on the telephone to some correspondent in and not have them hear him/her? Theres always this blank dumbass look that the correspondent has when he hasn't heard the studio anchor. The look doesn't go away either, as he/she drags on an on about who did . Who cares? Get the real news from the people that really matter!

Who are the people that really matter, you ask? If I knew that, then hell, I would be owner of my own show, now wouldn't I? But I do know, that I don't give half a Siamese twin's ass if Salman goes to jail or his hair returns due to a miracle cure (Yes people, that was actually on the news).

Totally really takes the cake. There was a news item today involving a lot of screen graphics, media 'footage' and demographics (surveys of the populace's opinion) on, wait for it, the SIMILARITY between Shah Rukh Khan and Ronaldinho!!!!!!!!! How can you compare a Bollywood superstar to a football superstar???? Here are the similarities in a nutshell, so you don't have to watch the inevitable retelecast of the same shit.

1. Both are human.

Thats it! There isn't anything else. But noooooo! The dumbass reporter (and I use this term loosely here) actually came forward to say that while SRK was the king of Bollywood, Ronaldinho was the king of Football. You don't say??!!! I would never have known that if you hadn't told me. Now I can get on with my miserable, pointless existence knowing full well the similarities between an actor and a sportstar. 'Totally' BULLSHIT!

Stop throwing useless statistics and fancy computer graphics in an overcrowded screen. Take a cue from DD. Remember the old news show, where they had ONE studio anchor and one inset picture of a lady miming out the news for the benefit of the deaf? Am I supposed to think that somehow the number of deaf people watching TV has drastically decreased in the last ten years? Man, I wish I were deaf so I didn't have to listen to their senseless drivel. Wait a minute, I wish THEY were dumb so they couldn't spout their venom on screen.

Newsbytes are the latest things now. Little bits of irrelevant information that have no bearing on the outcome of anything important, are continously scrolled at the bottom of the screen so as to be highly efficient and useful to the legions of couch potatoes who don't have anything else to watch. Screw them all, I say. Stick to the newspaper. Atleast you can do the crossword in it.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Krrish - Qqquite Goood

If you understand the title of this post, you're halfway to quarterway to 1/16th on you're way to greatness. I'm kidding. Only I'm great.

That said, let me tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed Krrish. If you were wondering how I was going to bitch about Krrish, having said that I liked it, let me also tell you that I. HATE. PRIYANKA. CHOPRA. Yes people, she deserves to fed to the lions after smearing pickle all over her. She is a miserable, stinking excuse for an actress. I'll butcher anyone who says that the 'role' didn't give her any 'scope to perform'. What the hell does that mean anyway? If there is no 'scope to perform' as you say, then why take the role? Doesn't that imply that she has taken the role either for money or for money and I'm inclined to agree with both.

Back to the point, Priyanka is baaaaad in this movie. And in all movies. In fact, she is just plain bad. But again, I meander. She has this oh-so-not-pretty-face that goes Oooh and Aaaah all the time with no actual facial emotions to show for it. She can't dance, atleast not in front of Hrithik who seems like he's dancing on air. Speaking of which, why do all his stops involve flopping his arms about or jiggling her knees? He can do better than that surely. His performance is quite credible in the movie, he acquits himself well. But, the point here is that such a movie (i.e a superhero movie) is being made for the first time in India. And it works, Krrish comes off as a very likable hero with some cool moves at his disposal. But I don't understand why he has to leap everywhere like he's running. The scene showing him 'running' down from a tall building in Singapore is simply silly. The rest of it well, is pretty good. Again, I say this for an Indian movie.

Right off the bat, you cannot compare this to say, Superman. That's like comparing me to God. Wait a minute, I AM God. Anyway, the special effects are actually quite good, although the jumping scenes look fake. Take the Superman trailer for example, the last scene shows a bullet shot right into Supe's eye and the bullet just crumples up. Wooooh baby! Those are the scenes that a superhero movie should have!

Krrish is worth a watch if you can stomach Priyanka Chopra. Better still, if you can't, do what I did and ignore her for the entire movie. She and her aggravating friend 'Honey', their bullshit 'Boss' who happens to be Archana Puran Singh in yet another mediocre accented role. Man, I hate their bullshit. Throw it all out, and you have a simple superhero movie. Plus there's Rekha!

Stupidity is Omnipresent...

I was just minding my own business today, just staying at home doing what I do best - nothing, when I decided to switch on the TV (something I do pretty rarely mind you), and seeing as there was nothing else to watch, decided to watch the news (something i never do). Suddenly, it happened. As always, stupidity seemed to galvanise me, so much so, that I decided to actually sit down and write about it.

What happened that was so stupid that I overcame my writer's block??? A case; breing filed against several comedians and hosts of the popular show, The Great Indian Laughter Challenge 2. The reason??? Apparently, some of the jokes were derogatory to women, so they decided to come up in arms against it and sue the asses off Shekhar Suman, Sidhu and Sunil Shetty.

What the hell is wrong with people??? Can't they take a joke anymore? What if all the Sardars tomorrow decided to sue half the country for spreading Sardar jokes? What if eunuchs suddenly decided that they've had enough of actors protraying them as joke feed on TV and movies and sued all the producers and actors? What if the world sued me because I poke fun at it all the time? Come on, grow a spinal column here. The jokes were hilarious and really quite varied. There is even a complaint that some of the jokes were directed at Adnan Sami and his rather large posterior.

So tomorrow, Jay Leno can expect to get sued for making fun of Bush, Gore and the rest of America's politicians??? Is this what we are trying to show?? Get your heads out of your asses and listen up! People need to learn to be able to laugh at themselves. You can't go about suing everyone who makes a few jokes about you. It's pathetic. Some of the best jokes I've heard are rascist, sexist and anti-religion. I don't care what the joke is about as long as its funny.

Bah! The best thing on television has to stop because a few women decided to step into the limelight. I say, we recite feminist jokes just to spite their sorry fame-seeking asses. I dare them to sue Jay Leno, George Carlin and other comedians for their jokes. They'd get chased out so fast, they wouldn't have time to shit. Goddamn freaks!

And pray tell, why would they sue the hosts? Are they expected to nod their head sagely, and tell the comedian "Sir, you're jokes are fricking funny, but they're rascist and Indians are a bigoted people with no propensity to laugh at themselves. Therefore, please restrict your jokes to the absolutely hilarious field of inanimate objects." Laloo Prasad will make a fortune if this suit against the show and its participants is successful. Imagine, a country ruled by Laloo Prasad Yadav and his legion of Sardars. Idiots.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Cricket Fever?? naah.. its the flu.

one of my favorite bitchin subjects is Cricket.. i absolutely loathe the game.. im one of the few indians who can stand up and say honestly.. i hate cricket.. ive been forced to watch the bloody sport since everyone around me seems to love the game..

i won't trivialize the game by claiming its a bunch of idiots running around a leather ball, trying to hit it and catch it... cos any sport can be made fun of in the same way.. but what really pisses me off is the way indians love the game so blindly... they've made it so trivially common that you can't take a dump without hearing about the game..

cricket is one of the longest international games.. the 'short' version takes a little over 6 hours of gameplay and stupid talk shows about the 'game' go on for an hour before and after... that leaves precious little time for anyother sport on TV. if one channel doesnt have the rights to a cricket match they play highlights of another match.. or they have a show where they talk about age-old matches.. or its a goddamn krish shrikanth show. i hate this guy... he rambles on and on jus like a south indian should.. and on and on like a cricketer should... and on and on like retiree should.. and on and on like a retired south indian cricketer should.. i mean why do they give him so much airtime.. he has nothin useful to contribute to the bloody game anymore which is why he isn't a big commentator on TV. and he knows next to nothing about the game since every caller who calls up on his dumbass show actually disagrees with him... it jus serves to irk him more so he babbles for a few minutes more jus to get on everyones nerves..

anyway, back to the dumbass game.. tendulkar is mr. phenomenon and he can sell a bottle of piss to a paraplegic or so they would have you believe.. but when you see a person who has a completely different body shape riding the bike that HE is promoting.. and you know it can't be him... and then he comes on with his horribly oily girly voice to say 'more smiles per hour' ... makes me want to puke.. and then he goes on in his next match and gets out for 10. bloody hell.. then he's back in your face selling you boost..

its not just him though.. everyone who makes it onto the national team gets an automatic inclusion into advertisements! its incredible how everyone can buy this shit that they show on TVs as ads.. its crazy..

its frustrating that a 'sports' page in the national newspapers contain only cricket.. and a fraction of tennis, some snooker.. and horse racing.. what the hell happened to the sports in the rest of the world??? everyday, theres a page on cricket and half a page for all other sports combined.. its ridiculous... throw everybody in cricket out.. we need more washermen anyway...

and i wish everyone would stop mugging facts about cricket... we won this then and lost this then. they won this then and he took so many wickets. its crap all over the place.. everybody knows everything... its too..... common and pedestrian.. boring game with boring bowlers.. and boring everything.. throw them all out.. they dont even have cheerleaders!!!

don't even get me started on test matches! the bloody things drag on for ages.... and ages.. almost as long as krish shrikanth talks... who by the way has started his own website where he.. surprise suprise! comments 24x7 on matches.. its a running typing commentary!!! crap! as it is he doesn't do much else than run his mouth on why they threw so and so out of the ____ game during ____... who cares?! and then he comes in this dumbass ad where he says i still read my morning newspaper as i used to read a marshall delivery... i come to understand he was a bullshit batsman.. that probably means he didn't 'read' the goddamn deliveries very well or he read em really well but was too incompetent to play the bloody shot..

man... i keep heading off on a tangent.. it seems that everytime i hear krish shrikanth my blood begins to simmer... back to test matches... i'm sure many of you have sat up 5 days watchin white clothed people bowling to more white clothed people with white cream on their faces... have you ever noticed that the stadiums are almost completely empty????!!!! no one has the time and patience to sit through a 5 day game anymore..

thats probably why these guys are popularizing Twenty20... some new nonsense version, thats even shorter than an ODI.. bullshit... the way to make cricket more accessible is to reduce the number of overs to 0.. that'll make people sit up and watch it... make it as short as my attention span to krish shrikanth and it'll be a hit...

you know.. come to think of it.. i think i hate krish shrikanth more than cricket... naaah.. its like saying shit is better than puke...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Phir Rip Off!

I went to see Phir Hera Pheri (PHP) yesterday.. while the movie was quite entertaining... i was shocked to find that the movie was a blatant rip off of the Guy Ritchie classic "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels". The entire plot was unoriginal.. they copied everything... right from the point the 3 guys lose money to a big don to the point on the bridge with the cell phone in his mouth and the guns in his hand... if you're going to rip off an english movie.. atleast give them goddamn credit. this is happening way too often in hindi cinema nowadays..

The biggest film industry on this earth (we churn out close to 700 films a year (bollywood)) and we still have to copy other people original ideas and not give them credit. other examples??? zinda - frame by frame of Oldboy , a pretty good Korean flick, Fight Club - same name movie starring Edward Norton and Brad Pitt, Koi mil gaya - ET meets Forrest Gump.. Sarkar - Godfather...what utter nonsense.. to make matters worse.. Neeraj Vora (director of PHP) actually even rips off a comic scene from Charlip Chaplins timeless classic. The circus...

Whe the hell cant we come up with original ideas??? The last original idea we had was prob the Karan Johar sob-fest K3G.. bullshit story and shitty acting come to life with cliched comic scenes and tuneless songs.. typical Yash Raj shitflick.. the only good movies seem to be coming from B - Grade directors like Madhur Bhandarkar.. the hell is wrong with us?? i think we only rely on star power and quantity to run a film... the so called 'script' is given a cursory glance and then the gorgeous girls are brought to heave their breasts around and flash skin to draw in the uneducated illiterate masses... bullshit.. there are no such things as original scripts in bollywood anymore apparently..

the next trend in bollywood you ask?? since they've already exhumed the corpses of foreign scripts, robbed them of their dignity and stripped them of any semblance of sense, they next turn to themselves! yes! we have an original idea. the idea is this: ripoff, under the guise of a 'remake', old classics... so we have modern shitty versions of Don, Sholay and what not coming out!! great thinking guys, we thought you'd never be original.. i think its a fantastic idea to make money...... jus cheat the public out of a good story.. while you're at it.. why don't you get us to tell you a story?? and compose the songs??? we'll just pay for the ticket... better yet.. why go to all this trouble, start a fund called the 'Ripoff of ____ Film" and we'll contribute money.. why waste effort on songs, dance and 'acting' ??? better watch the originals....

Friday, June 16, 2006

Women Power!

Another issue's been seriously bugging my ass... women empowerment! i don't get the idea behind it.... while many of you might say that i lack the mental facilities to understand the idea... i don't think so... that debate can rage on for eternity...

anyway, the point here is IF women need empowerment, why campaign and make our lives miserable??? IF you're already empowered, then you don't need to campaign do you?? the very fact that you are campaigning to gain recognition for the fact that you are not empowered is a sign of your weakness.. If you want to be empowered, you consider yourself weak and that is an inherent flaw in your bullshit theory about women needing more rights...

as phoebe says in Friends : "we can drink, we can vote and we can drive what more do these broads want ??!!" Stop crying about feministic values and patriachical societies. It is because it is. while i agree society is changing as a whole to be more conducive to women, gettin on top of rooftops and shouting it out only makes people want to shut you up.. preferably permenantly.

Women get hurt so easily.. that being chivalrous has actually come to be demeaning to women. If a guy leans over to get the door for a girl, she looks at him as if to say.. i could have done that.. yes, you could have... its called being courteous. if you don't like our chivalry, then you can take a slap in the face next time you screw up... you won't be afforded any niceties... either take the chivalry we give or take the shit we dole out to other guys... if a guy screws up, his friend may abuse him or give him a tough time about it.... he means it in a friendly way... but if a girl screws up... we gotta understand "your perspective"...

I say... let the world be.. your empowered if you empower yourself. next time a guy cuts across in front of you at a line, tell him to back off.. don't go and complain to someone and make everyones life miserable by raising a ruckus bout how your rights aren't respected. There's a separate queue at most places to "help" the "empowered" women.. if you're empowered, then you can stand in the same line as us.. and take the pushing and shoving... but nooo, there you want to be treated like daisies..

contrary to what you might expect, im not an MCP..... i get riled up if a women is treated unfairly... but i hate it when they bitch about it...

Thursday, June 15, 2006

GRE preparations

Most of the people in my batch are attempting GRE this year... and its that fun time where you see people pull out cards from their pockets or lug massive text books around to learn words.

Thats the thing I don't get about GRE. If it's supposed to test your English, why the hell should they test your vocabulary to such an extent? I for one, dont know the meaning of but I can frickin converse in English like its nobodys business.. Just because you know a few bombastic words doesn't mean you're coherent or making sense!! Anyone see that friends episode where Joey uses a thesaurus on every word in a letter and ends up signing as Baby Kangaroo????? Thats whats gonna happen to you if you bank on the dumbass word lists to get you through.

How to find a GRE candidate? Its easy.. anytime someone says acquiesce instead of agree or says pussilanimous instead of coward you know he's been mugging word lists on the shit-pot.. If a person comes up to you and says "I don't CARE that you don't acquiesce to my exceedingly blasphemous comments about your posterior! You're pussillanimous!" and he pronounces care as though he had a football come out of his mouth when he said it.. rhyming wit tear (as in torn apart), or come to you and say "lets go for a beer and shoot deer" pronouncing both like beeeeeeeer/ deeeeeeer .. you know they couldn't talk english to save their lives. it seems as though pronounciation has become second rung to vocab! how the hell can i understand what you say if you donot say it correctly?????

I always try to pronounce words the correct way.. if i make a mistake.. noone notices cos they dont know it themselves!!


1. How do you pronounce : reparable, comparable? wat are their antonyms? and how do you pronounce them????

if u said both were pronounce similarly... you're wrong. Reparable is pronounced as (rpr--bl) ... really fast word. comparable is pronounced slowly with the stress on the "par" or the second syllable. The antonyms???? irreparable and incomparable. they are actually pronounced similarly....

90 pc of you flunked this... im sure... learn to talk before you learn to puke......

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Deccan Chronicles

Everything that starts or ends with Deccan sucks apparently. i'm gonna focus on Air Deccan today.. my 'preferred' mode of travel!!!

the whole deal behind AD is cost-saving procedures.. I had a first hand look at some of the methods they use.

1. No tickets.
Thats right, you dont get the oil paper vouchers that look so cool you want to preserve them. For AD its just a printed piece of paper that says "TICKET".

Saving Per Passenger(SPP) : 3 Rupees.

2. No seat numbers.
Remember the good old days when everyone would just clamber on to the nearest bullock cart, and those with the seats furthest from the bulls ass had the best seats? this is kinda like that.. only there isnt a cart. Without seat numbers on the boarding pass, its a mad rush for seats when boarding begins... just the way i like it......

SPP: 0.4 mm cube of printer ink. (its volume you idiot.)

3. No models.
Imagine a beautiful young girl/guy (take your pick) serving you drinks and food. Now add 50 years to their age and you have AD airhostesses!!! Their in-flight guide says, "we dont hire models".... the hell you don't!!! you just removed the number 1 reason to fly!!!

SPP: 5 Rs.

4. No food.
"Here at AD, we strive to drop you at your destination late and starving" should have been written inside their guide which by the way weighs a ton thanks to Mr. Gopinath's Editorial. They serve you no food which is really quite acceptable, but water???? how can you ask us to pay for a glass of water???? even the railways offer free water and they carry more passengers and the goddamn tickets are cheaper..

SPP: 1 Re. (water) 20 Rs. (food)

5. Extra sound device.
The Airports Authority of India has stipulated apparently that fuel be provided at a subsidy to those aircraft that make flying such a miserably noisy experience that the passengers never want to return at all!!! During takeoff and landing the plane makes such an ear-splitting racket.. that you want to tear out your ears and hand them to the ageing air-hostesses and have them place them in the cargo bay..

SPP: 65 paise subsidy on fuel.

6. No ear buds.
Remember that old ad in which a baby cries and the grandma/great grandma and the entire bloody family tree asks "enna aache??" "kya hua??" "what happened??" its like that, without the family tree!!!! the planes aren't stocked with earbuds for those children who cant stand the noise or the change in air pressure that can really hurt the ears if you're not used to it. The way i see it, they think that if the kids make more noise, they can get a larger subsidy according to point 5.

SPP: 10 - 15 paise

7. Non-reclining seats
These are special seats that neither stay in place nor go back. They move a rather mystifyingly small arc backwards. Just right so you can't read nor sleep. Its perfect.

8. Airport Buses.
Anyone who has traveled by flight will know that often when a plane arrives, a bus is waiting to take the passengers into the actual terminal. AD buses actually operate like Public Transport Buses. The hydraulic doors are supposed to be closed by the driver when a reasonable number of people have gotten on board. Not so here. The door stayed open all the way to the terminal, with atleast 10 people (baggage included) extra on board.

SPP: life of lubricating oil extended by atleast 1/16 of a minute.
2 buses used instead of 3.

If we add up all these rather unnecessary extravangances, we can understand exactly why Air Deccan is able to operate at such a low tariff. Combine this with frequent delays, stop-overs, and badly timed flights.. and voila!!! you cut prices further.. its brilliant.

Gopinath says "60 pc of my passengers are first-timers". Thats probably true since I dont see why anyone would want to come back after their first time with AD.

Monday, June 12, 2006

one night @ the airport

I needed to pick up my dad from Indira Gandhi International (IGI) airport. I'm standing at the arrivals area, and was waiting for quite some time... i noticed that there were 3 types of people who were coming out of the airport.

1. Sikhs (affectionately called Turbanators / Surds / Sardars)
2. Obese people
3. My dad

I swear to Christ, I counted more turbans than luggage.. those that weren't sardars, were being picked up by sardars. I saw enough sardars to cover the surface of the moon twice over.... and the blatant disregard for the rules of the airport!!!!!!!!! theres a sign placed near the fenced area for arrivals that says you need a bloody ticket to enter and these turbaned menaces kept walking in and out of the airport like it was nobody's business...

It seems to me that all the thin people in india leave to go abroad, become HUGE and come back... it was incredible the number of obese people i saw. Forget blades and knives and batteries, these peoples' bellies pose a serious security hazard. Once these people get into the aisle in the plane, you never gonna get past them. you HAVE to sit down and let them pass. Imagine a plane with ten of these massive people.. you'd never be able to stand up, you'd never be able to go to the toilet, and the plane would bank depending on where they stood... what does this remind you of??? a goddamn terrorist attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seemed to me that every person who stepped out of the airport, fit one of the descriptions above...

Procedure to exit airport:

1. Step outside arrival gate.
2. If sardar -> scratch beard , guffaw.
3. if obese -> get trolley outta the way of the belly.
4. If sardar -> search for entire family.
5. if obese -> search for familiar faces or placard-holding driver.
6. else -> pull out cell phone and stand in the middle of the exit, talking loudly so that the other person needn't use his phone.
7. Look blankly around
8. Walk back into airport.
9. Repeat from step 1 till pick up arrives.

My dad steps out of the airport, wearing a business suit, looks for me and spots me, gives a quick wave and then efficiently pushes his trolley out of the exit. thats it.

With the number of over-burdened trolleys these people carry, its a miracle that to pick up a 7 member sardar family (or one obese person) you need another 7 member party (or one obese person)... why can't these guys be picked up by a single person, saving them car charges?????????? and the only pack of foreigners i saw, had their taxi delayed and were yelling into the cell phone "you fool, hurry up!!!"

By the time, i dodged the numerous pieces of baggage (that were literally raining down), the even more numerous sardars and the obese people and made my way out of the airport..... i was so tired i wouldn't have had a problem if the pope came out of the airport sporting a turban.....

Chicken or the Egg?

Since this is my first post, i'm gonna start with something i've already written. This is my magnum opus, the Marcus Aurelius of Julius Caesar and the Primus Blogus of my blogs. So.. here goes..

which came first? the egg? or the chicken?

i believe i have the correct answer to that.. u have
to follow my logic to see why..

evolution. it is a slow gradual process of several
million years. it is clearly apparent that the single
celled amoeba did not jus wake up one day and find out
it had more than one cell. similarly, a monkey did not
fall from a tree and land as a neandarthal. therefore,
evolution is a process that is so slow, that its
effects are only seen from one generation to the

Let us assume that an animal X is the ancestor of the
chicken.. now, we know that X cannot directly morph
into a chicken (discarding unnatural mutation theories
here) , hence X gradually turned into a chicken..
meaning that every subsequent generation of X had more
chicken - like characteristics.. lets go forward to
the last generation where we clinically say that the
next generation is goin to be the chicken. it is
clearly apparent that the last generation of X will
lay an EGG that will foster within itself a complete
chicken.. the egg cannot mutate as such and any
evolutionary changes occur before the egg is hatched
and are reflected in the egg.

therefore, the last evolutionary change that
signalled the transformation of X into a chicken,
happens during the hatching of the egg with the
result that the egg containing the characteristics of
a complete chicken is hatched.

as u can see, the egg comes before the chicken. man..
is there a nobel for biology or something!!!????