Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Modern Pandavas

You-did-steal -> There has to be balance in life. The youngest of all the Pandavas was an epitome of dishonesty. He lied, cheated and stole his way through the war.

Beam -> The weakest of all the Pandavas; when he was a young lad, he fell on a stone and the stone broke his back.

Ad-jun -> He was the primary source of revenue for the Pandavas. He was the poster boy for the war, and even had a famous 20 minutes commercial where he was lectured to by the famous blue guy.

Not-kool -> Easily the least classy of all the Pandavas, Not-kool wore sunglasses that were way too big for him. His glasses were so big, they blinded Rat-a-tat-astra, the king, when he was watching the battle remotely via Sanjaya Channel

Such-waste -> He is barely mentioned in the concise versions of the epic. He is the unidentical twin of Not-kool. Only available in the extended collection. Like an extra toy in the G.I Joe collection that nobody wants and only possess because he came free with Maggi Noodles.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


  1. Advanced technology home products. I'm tired of hearing about everyday, ordinary products being marketed with some sort of space-flight-capable microprocessors in them. Detergent with "advanced-heat-seeking-dust-smiting-microgranules", shampoos with "advanced-hair-shine-boosting-technology", scissors with "advanced-foreknowledge-about-foreskin-systems", razor blades with "automatic-blade-growing-technology" (because that seems to be the only way they can "advance" razor blade technology: add more blades), the list is endless. When did ordinary prodcuts get so complicated? Why can't anyone just buy shampoo anywhere without requiring a socket to plug the bottle into? You know what's next right? Harpic with "advanced-turd-source-cleaning-shakti-along-with-dishwasher-liquid-dispensing-nozzle-technology." Wait till Aman Verma gets to your house to demonstrate THAT.
  2. Well-known, famous, instantly recognizable actors posing as doctors/dentists. Who are they trying to fool here? What is the point of showing an _actor_, who is instantly recognizable as not being a doctor, in a white lab coat. I don't care when they have some fake doctor on screen telling me I should brush my teeth with Gopal Pal Podi (Tooth Powder), I'm likely to care less if I recognize the actor in the advertisements.
  3. People who say "can't able to" are going to have to watch their backs from now on. I've trained with a hatchet over the summer and have sharpened my skills to the point (puns intended) where I can close my eyes and lop your ears off. Freaks.
  4. Razor blade advertisements where the male model is already clean shaven before he even picks up the product. Look, we're not all that stupid. Some of us actually possess a brain and can able to use it. Therefore, we request you to kindly cease and desist lest you desire getting a large, cumbersome object shoved not-so-gently in to your lengthy intestinal tubing. 
  5. People who don't know how to operate lifts. If you want to go up, press UP dammit! Don't press the direction YOU want the lift to move so it can reach the floor on which your lazy ass has parked itself. And people who get in to a lift and try to direct it in the direction opposite to the one it's already going on are going to be launched headfirst into the shaft.
  6. People who hit my car. Even if it's my fault, it's actually your fault since you didn't avoid me. That's what half of driving in India constitutes: compensation for the next guys mistake. You didn't compensate enough, you didn't anticipate. Your fault.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


Here we go:

  1. Inserting "proverbial" in to sentences that otherwise would be meaningless and out-of-context (supposedly). Look, we all get the idea of a proverb. You don't need to educate us simple, cow-worshipping, human-sacrificing folk. Is it "tip of the proverbial iceberg" or "the proverbial tip of the iceberg" ? Does it matter? Do we care? Can we not understand the use of a metaphor as simple as searching for a needle in the haystack without the extra, added, complimentary, bonus (yes, I took that from Carlin, sue me.) tag declaring the haystack to be "proverbial". Why don't you take a proverbial kick to the nuts?
  2. Cliches from children's books. Every author of a book for children writes with an undercurrent of guilt that each story he/she writes must have a "moral" or an "upstanding", honest person as its protagonist. Why? That's not how real life is. Not only is this angelic character completely unbelievable, it's completely illogical. Hunters who hunt and trap animals are described as kind-hearted when they decide to release the animal they've caught. Woodcutters are caring individuals who just happen to save a wounded bird: one they wounded by destroying their home in the first place. There's also always this sort of fatherly uncle figure that everyone just refers to as Uncle blah blah. We don't need some random uncle giving us moral lessons. Grow up, lose the match, get your report card, go home and face the music. That's what kids need to learn today.
  3. People who say "anyways." STOP THAT. The word doesn't exist.
  4. "By-the-by." I don't care if this exists or not. It should be outlawed if it does.
  5. Karan Johar. Okay, this one was out of spite. I can't stand his overly gay attitude, hair style, his non-gender-specific face and his polished 'dahling' English. He dances too by the by. God.
To be continued... sometime.

Socio-Econo-Politico-Sporto-relevant post

Current mood: Shocked!

Sorry, that was a parody (a lame one I know) of Wordpress. Two of my friends just moved there, so............. I had to.

However, I am genuinely shocked at a very recent event that happened that concerns all of us. Namely, the posting of four (4, quatro, vier, numero charo) comments on my previous post regarding Abinav Bhindra.

What is wrong with us? As the future generation of this country, we are expected to have an apathetic attitude towards sports, socially relevant issues and politics (not necessarily in that order.) I consider myself to be a patriotic Indian of the first Order. I make it a point to not care when something important happens, I don't follow the news, I don't cheer for India (unless it's for cricket of course) and I definitely don't follow _politics_. Sheesh! What is this country coming to?

And now I hear that people actually want to COME BACK to India, after education abroad! Hello!!! What the hell happened to those good ol' days when we would emigrate en masse to different countries, drive taxis and cabs there that we could have driven here, participate in community welfare programs there that we could have done here, express a concern for the environment that we could express here.

I am appalled at the lack of apathy being shown by todays youth. Stop caring. Really, it's not expected of you. What's next? A political party formed by students from IIT?! Hahahahah! That was a good one!! Oh.... wait.

Wait, I have another one; let me try again. What's next? Are we going to start winning medals in anything other than cricket (have we, incidentally???!) and "shootings" (which was obviously a fluke!!!) ?????/ Oh...... wait.

Damn, I'm running out of things to say; Ok, one last attempt. What's next? Are we going to defy the world and sign a nuclear deal with the United States, while secretly being able to develop bombs that will wipe out "insurgents, rebels, terrorism-by-proxy and plain ol' crazies) ? Oh..... wait.


PS - The views expressed above are not my own. They are of Hindustani Pathloon; a guy who guest writes for my blog. I have nothing to do with him.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Beware the "Silent Killer"

So Bindra won the gold. Good for us.

Does it not bother anyone that his father, refers to him as a silent killer?! Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that his father watched him place water balloons on a poor maids head (another sign of the oppression of lower castes) and shot at them repeatedly knowing "little" (and that is supposed to excuse this,) that, and I quote, "a slight mistake could have proved fatal."

This just scares the shit out of me. If I knew there was a five year old with deadly aim and a wanton disregard for safety, (not to mention his maid) who lived next door, I'd be calling the police dammit! I'd be calling them even faster if I knew his Pops was proud of him!!!!!

Good show Bindra!