Deccan Chronicles

Everything that starts or ends with Deccan sucks apparently. i'm gonna focus on Air Deccan today.. my 'preferred' mode of travel!!!

the whole deal behind AD is cost-saving procedures.. I had a first hand look at some of the methods they use.

1. No tickets.
Thats right, you dont get the oil paper vouchers that look so cool you want to preserve them. For AD its just a printed piece of paper that says "TICKET".

Saving Per Passenger(SPP) : 3 Rupees.

2. No seat numbers.
Remember the good old days when everyone would just clamber on to the nearest bullock cart, and those with the seats furthest from the bulls ass had the best seats? this is kinda like that.. only there isnt a cart. Without seat numbers on the boarding pass, its a mad rush for seats when boarding begins... just the way i like it......

SPP: 0.4 mm cube of printer ink. (its volume you idiot.)

3. No models.
Imagine a beautiful young girl/guy (take your pick) serving you drinks and food. Now add 50 years to their age and you have AD airhostesses!!! Their in-flight guide says, "we dont hire models".... the hell you don't!!! you just removed the number 1 reason to fly!!!

SPP: 5 Rs.

4. No food.
"Here at AD, we strive to drop you at your destination late and starving" should have been written inside their guide which by the way weighs a ton thanks to Mr. Gopinath's Editorial. They serve you no food which is really quite acceptable, but water???? how can you ask us to pay for a glass of water???? even the railways offer free water and they carry more passengers and the goddamn tickets are cheaper..

SPP: 1 Re. (water) 20 Rs. (food)

5. Extra sound device.
The Airports Authority of India has stipulated apparently that fuel be provided at a subsidy to those aircraft that make flying such a miserably noisy experience that the passengers never want to return at all!!! During takeoff and landing the plane makes such an ear-splitting racket.. that you want to tear out your ears and hand them to the ageing air-hostesses and have them place them in the cargo bay..

SPP: 65 paise subsidy on fuel.

6. No ear buds.
Remember that old ad in which a baby cries and the grandma/great grandma and the entire bloody family tree asks "enna aache??" "kya hua??" "what happened??" its like that, without the family tree!!!! the planes aren't stocked with earbuds for those children who cant stand the noise or the change in air pressure that can really hurt the ears if you're not used to it. The way i see it, they think that if the kids make more noise, they can get a larger subsidy according to point 5.

SPP: 10 - 15 paise

7. Non-reclining seats
These are special seats that neither stay in place nor go back. They move a rather mystifyingly small arc backwards. Just right so you can't read nor sleep. Its perfect.

8. Airport Buses.
Anyone who has traveled by flight will know that often when a plane arrives, a bus is waiting to take the passengers into the actual terminal. AD buses actually operate like Public Transport Buses. The hydraulic doors are supposed to be closed by the driver when a reasonable number of people have gotten on board. Not so here. The door stayed open all the way to the terminal, with atleast 10 people (baggage included) extra on board.

SPP: life of lubricating oil extended by atleast 1/16 of a minute.
2 buses used instead of 3.

If we add up all these rather unnecessary extravangances, we can understand exactly why Air Deccan is able to operate at such a low tariff. Combine this with frequent delays, stop-overs, and badly timed flights.. and voila!!! you cut prices further.. its brilliant.

Gopinath says "60 pc of my passengers are first-timers". Thats probably true since I dont see why anyone would want to come back after their first time with AD.